Almost exactly a year ago, I spoke about
great expectations, and managing them. The examples I provided were in a professional context. Often, however, the most relatable examples aren't professional, but
personal.
It was 2024. I had just moved house, and that was another big item off my list. Actually, that was the
final big item off my list. I went back to the
WhatsApp groups that I had muted over the past year so I could concentrate on doing my thing, and found that in one of those groups, only a handful of them were left. Which was weird because I distinctly recalled them being
close friends. What had happened in all the time I'd been minding my own business?
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| Spilling the tea. |
Now that I had (relatively) more time on my hands, I made it a point to find out. Reaching out to those who were no longer part of the group, we met up for food and coffee, and with each of them, spoke at length about all the drama that had transpired during my absence.
The deets, sort of
Before I begin, let's get one thing out of the way. Aside from certain facts, everyone's view of the entire thing diverged in some wild way or other. And I have no reason to suspect that any of them was outright
lying to me - after all, it's not like my opinion of them affected anything at all. Like I always say, no one is the villain in their own story. Not even the villains. Very few people have the honesty or humility to think of themselves as the bad guy.
Anyway...
One friend had put another friend up at his place, rent-free, when she was in need a few years ago. He complained to me that she was a nightmare - leaving the airconditioning on and racking up huge bills, not doing the housework, and so on. And I'm not saying that his complaints were illegitimate - if someone's living at your place for free, they should be considerate about racking up huge electricity bills and cleaning up after themselves.
At the same time, though, what the hell was this guy thinking? Why put himself in this position in the first place?
Look, being friends is one thing. But we all need to be conscious of the flaws of others (and ourselves, while we're at it) even if -
especially if - these people are your friends. And consider the distance between you and those people carefully.
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...your friends are my friends,
and my friends are
your friends... |
Distance is healthy.
I'll be the first to admit that I can be an asshole with severe personality flaws. At the same time, I'm not putting anyone in a position where they have to put up with those flaws daily. (Except Mrs
TeochewThunder... sucks to be her, I guess.) I recognize that it is far easier for people to stay friends with me if there's a healthy distance between us. My friends constantly annoy me by giving me unsolicited (and worse,
garbage unqualified) advice, self-righteously pontificating about ridiculous causes I couldn't give less of a shit about, projecting their insecurities onto me... and I'm sure I annoy them in equal measure in a myriad of ways.
However, with distance, and freedom from expectations, we're all afforded the space to be ourselves without getting in anyone's way.
The lesser the distance is, the greater expectations become. In a way, this makes perfect sense. You wouldn't for example, feel betrayed by someone who
wasn't a friend because you would have zero expectations of that person. You would never accuse a total stranger of "selling you out", because that is a deeply personal thing, and
personal is the last thing you would associate with a stranger. If you were in a pinch, you would turn to friends or relatives for help, especially those who'd helped you before. It's human nature.
I never put my friends in a position where they can let me down. In that sense, I expect them to let me down given half a chance, so I
don't give them the opportunity.
What all this means
Expectations were
unrealistic.
Remember I said before, employers sometimes have unrealistic expectations? That they hire you to do one thing, but out of the blue they suddenly decide that they need you for some unrelated task? And then have the sheer audacity to be outraged when you don't
magically become good at that unrelated task just because they expect you to be?
For example, if you were hired to be a software developer but your employer needed a lightbulb changed and decided you were the person for the job. Because there's probably this line in your employment contract that says your duties aren't limited to those stated, and that your employer can decide if there are new duties they can add. Or some bullshit like that.
And then when you ended up breaking the lightbulb, they acted like you just killed their entire family.
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| Oops! |
Well, that's because there are their expectations, and then there is reality. And sometimes they just don't meet. If you hire someone to develop software and but ask them to screw in lightbulbs instead, and they end up breaking the lightbulb, whose fault is it, really? If a screwdriver got damaged because you tried to use it like a hammer, whose fault is it?
Yours. Don't look elsewhere.
You're the idiot in this story.
My buddy had expectations of our mutual friend, but she just wasn't the person he wanted her to be. As reasonable as he thought those expectations were, perhaps the reality is that she's a dog that shits everywhere it pleases.
You meet people where they are, and stop trying to change them.
Permission to be Imperfect
Some say my standards are too low. I disagree. In fact, my standards, both for myself and others, are ridiculously high. But my
expectations aren't. The problem isn't
standards. The problem is that I think I'm better than everyone else. None of you reading this will ever be half as awesome as I think myself to be.
See, I have standards that I strive to live up to. But I often fail because, as mentioned before, my standards are high to an absurd degree. Recognizing that I'm only human, I often forgive myself for that failure and try to do better. I
expect to fail because I'm not perfect and I've made my peace with that. But if I'm
not perfect, and I
still consider myself better than the rest of you, it would be monstrously unfair of me to expect better from everyone else. If I'm not perfect,
nobody has any business being perfect.
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| A flawless diamond. |
Therefore, you are all excused for being imperfect. His Teochewness has decreed it.
The only time one can expect perfection is when writing a program. And even then, unless it's overly simple, it can only be perfect to a point. The more moving parts a programmer introduces into any given system, the greater the likelihood that the system will break in an extreme use case.
Guess what else is full of moving parts? Human beings.
People expect software to be perfect given that it has no feelings and that it's basically ones and zeroes. What they forget is that software is made by imperfect human beings. Even if, in the future, software is created by Artificial Intelligence, don't forget where AI learned all that from - imperfect human beings.
Oh wow, look at that. I managed to insert a rant about AI in here. Way to go, old man.
The Expectant Conclusion
Know when to stop. That's a lesson that can be applied to almost everything in life. Where friends are concerned, it's not a matter of "the closer the better". Understand that there is such a thing as too close, because
people suck.
In relation to the above, understand when expectations are being unreasonably raised. Every time you declare that someone's your bro and you'll take a bullet for him, you raise expectations that you'll do so when the occasion arises. Every time someone asks for a favor and you oblige, you raise expectations that you'll help again when needed. You have to think about whether or not you can afford to raise those expectations. Remember previously I told you that how people treat you is a matter of how you train them to treat you? Well, start training others... and yourself. Establish that distance. Enforce those boundaries.
And yes... temper those expectations.
Permission to suck, granted!
T___T
