Five Employer Bullshit Lines

Morning, long-suffering readers.

Have you ever felt like your employer was trying to pull wool over your eyes? Give you some textbook pep talk designed to put your nose even more firmly to the grindstone? Grease you up for some heinously degrading/difficult/thankless/all three task?

Well, wonder no more. In my years of web development, I've come across some real doozies. Even fallen for a few of them. Here, I'll list five of the stinkiest bullshit lines I've ever heard an employer utter.

1. The Post-probationary Bait

"We'll pay you this much first, and review your salary after you pass your probation."

Subtext: Bite, sucker. Bite hard!

This line has happened three times in my professional life. The first time, I laughed out loud and abruptly left the interview. The second time, I got laid off as soon as my probationary period was up. The third time, the employer actually increased my salary... by thirty-three dollars. Per month.

Such overwhelming generosity!!!

I've seen it happen to others too. Promises are easy to make, but somehow after you've made it through the months of your probationary period, getting a raise is like getting blood from a stone.

In short, anything that isn't written in your contract is just so much hot air. And if it is written in your contract, the probability of you getting fired after your probationary period just went up by 20%. No, when I apply for a job, I want my raise right away, and I want it to be worth the hassle of switching jobs in the first place.

2. The Dummy Promotion Carrot

"We're looking to promote. We need to evaluate your performances these coming months."

Subtext: We already know who we're going to promote, and it's not you. But what the hell, let's see how hungry you are.

This is when your employer has already decided who he's going to give that promotion to. The rest of you just aren't working hard enough for his liking. In his eyes, you'll never qualify for promotion - you're either not skilled enough, not pretty enough, not eager enough. But hey, you don't have to know that. A little bit of  motivation will go a long way, right?

This isn't for you, but you're
not supposed to know that.

The idea here is to dangle that carrot. You'll put in the performance of your life, and meet with certain disappointment. They'll imply that you simply weren't up to the mark, but the fact is, that carrot was never meant to be yours.

My humble opinion? Don't do it for a promotion. Give your best because it's who you are and what you do.

3. The Reverse Psychological Ploy

"You're probably not up to it, so no pressure."

Subtext: Prove yourself.

Good golly, I hate this one. Especially since I've been suckered by it time and again. I suspect the employer who used this on me, especially since he's a computer geek as well, knew how well it would work on me because it's worked on him before.

Basically, here the employer implies that this is such an awesomely difficult task that you might not be good enough. And if you fall for that one, you'll work extra hard just to prove otherwise.

Challenge accepted,
motherfucker.

Back in the day, I could never let this challenge to my huge developer's ego pass unaccepted. If the boss even hinted that something was too difficult for me, I absolutely had to prove him wrong. This led to very long workdays, slaving away on weekends and loads of intense effort. Fortunately, in the process, I leveled up.

Still a bullshit line, and one of the dirtiest tricks in the book.

4. The Burnt Bridge Gambit

"If you tender your resignation to your current company today, you can come over this evening and sign your appointment letter with us."

Subtext: We really hope you're dumb or desperate enough to swallow this one.

So you've gone for an interview. The boss seems to like what he sees, and he's prepared to make you an offer. All he needs you to do is sign the appointment letter. Of course, there's the small matter of tendering your resignation to your current company. Not a problem, right?

But then the boss throws a spanner in the works. He needs you over ASAP, so he's going to put the date of your appointment as exactly one month (or whatever your contractual notice period to your current company is) from today, not tomorrow. Which means you have to tender your resignation before going over to sign the appointment letter.

Don't burn your bridge before
signing.

This is a dick move, no doubt, but please tell me you're not actually stupid enough to do it. What if the terms and conditions in the contract are different from what you discussed earlier? What if the pay suddenly isn't as attractive, the job scope seems to have doubled and there are more strange clauses you weren't aware of earlier? You just burned the bridge behind you, dude.

5. The Butter-up

"I like you because..."

Subtext: The task I'm about to entrust to you is something even interns are too dignified to do.

Insert more bullshit after the "...".

I like you because you take responsibility for your actions. Like, whose actions should I take responsibility for, yours?

I like you because you see things through. Like I have a choice here?

I like you because I know you'll rise to the occasion. Kiss my ass. Oh hold up, you already are.

Christ Almighty. Just how trite can bosses get?

Fake and overdone praise.
Who needs it?

It's some shit job they need someone to do, and you just got arrowed. Fine. No need to sugarcoat it. What's that flattery supposed to accomplish, enthusiasm? Lame.

What a load of poo...

Phew! Even typing all this down makes me feel filthy. Some employers really don't understand subtlety, do they? If you're just such an employer, may I suggest you try something a little less insulting to the intelligence of your employees? Employees need a little encouragement now and then, sure. You want your subordinates to sweat for their measly wages, understandable. But if your lines stink like you pulled them freshly out of your arse, perhaps it's time to put a little sincerity into it.

Sincerity, like, y'know, a big fat bonus paycheck.

Yours excrementally,
T___T