To Be A Better Man

We've heard the story of how I went from drunken failure to less-spectacular-failure web developer. There were a few sideplots in between, but they were never elaborated on. But hey, it's Valentine's Day (or thereabouts) and that story needs to be told. Well, not really, but it's something to write about!

As my soul feels the shame
I will grow through this pain
Yes I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Back then, I was with this girl and we were madly in love. Nights spent snuggling, days spent hand-in-hand, that sort of thing. I'd met her on a drunken weekend, and somehow we spent many more weekends - and weekdays - together. We were young, and, did I mention "in love" yet? There was just one problem - I was a loser. It soon became apparent that I wasn't going to move my career out of the rut it was in, anytime soon, and was just content to spend my time with her, in that haze of sweet romance.

She broke up with me, with a sobering message: Until you can man up, you don't deserve me. We have no future together.

My heart was broken. But I moved on.

Fast forward six years later, I was now an extremely driven web professional and my life revolved around work. I lived, breathed and ate my work. (Not literally. I bet HTML and CSS taste like crap.)

And one day, I found myself needing to clear a lot of accumulated leave, and she happened to contact me. It was nice hearing from her again after so long, and we agreed to spend a few days together in Genting Highlands Resort, just... (ahem) catching up, I guess. When we finally met up again, sparks flew. Many passionate nights followed, and she marveled continually at how much I'd changed from the feckless youth from six years ago. I still smoked like a chimney, but I no longer drank. And I actually had a career plan that was in place.

But as the days went by, a horrifying realization dawned upon me.

Even when we were together, I thought a lot about the work waiting for me back in the office. I obsessed over my pet coding project. I was constantly reviewing, and adjusting, my career plans.

Dead. Buried. Gone.

And this was bad. In the process of becoming the man she always hoped I would become - that ultra-serious, intensely focused and driven professional; I had stopped being that starry-eyed romantic who would not hesitate to jump into a relationship with her. That guy was dead and buried. I'd become the kind of man she could see a future with, but that man only had eyes for his work. There was simply no room for anything else beyond a week-long vacation.

The irony was so thick you could cut it with a knife. It appeared that I'd jumped from one extreme to the other. Funny how life works, eh?

Who got the girl eventually?

Certainly not me. I'm still working my issues out.

But I do hope she finds someone. Someone who can be that man with a plan, and still have room for her.

All my (depleted) love,
T___T