Five Stupid Things Tech Bosses Say

Recently, there's been a big hoo-ha on Facebook, with the utterances of "thought leader" Delane Lim whining commenting about how unreasonable young interviewees are in light of the COVID-19 pandemic situation tanking Singapore's economy. He said something to the effect of youngsters not being "hungry enough". Now, much ink has already been spilled on behalf of this guy, so I won't add to it.

However, the term "hungry" did bring back some unpleasant memories. Back in 2013, I worked for a CEO whose favorite catchphrase was the admonishment "not hungry enough". And guess what - that very same boss got hauled to court in 2017 for not paying vendors and staff salaries. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

Of all the stupid things to say, huh?

Bosses - can't live with 'em, definitely can't live without 'em. To be fair, not all of them have been utter douchebags, but even the best of them have produced some truly appalling, mind-boggling and cringe-worthy quotes. Today I have the dubious pleasure of sharing some of the most jaw-dropping words I've ever heard said by a superior at work.

Be warned that I might get a little vulgar here...

1. The Instigator

Sometimes Managers get cheeky. They say things that they think will provoke a reaction out of you, or sting your pride, in order to spur you on, get extra performance out of you. Y'know, mind games.

Whose code is this?

One such Manager probably thought he was being clever by urging me to take more ownership of the module I had been put in charge of.

"Do you really want someone else to touch your code?"

Sadly, that didn't work. You see, it isn't even my code. Legally, any code I write belongs to the company. Because I wrote it on company time, using company equipment. So as long as I deliver, I don't really have any fucks to give as to who handles the code after it's been checked into the repository and deployed. If it's me, great. If not, also great.

2. The Paternal

You know the old Chinese Towkays I've complained about in the past? Well, they don't literally have to be old Chinese Towkays, but they tend to share certain unsavory aspects of the Chinese Towkay Syndrome. That is, at some level, they see themselves as some kind of Godfather-figure.

"I like to think of my staff as family."

Oh hell, no. I'm your employee, not your goddamn relative and don't you ever forget it.

Granted, some bosses who say things like that, do that with the best of intentions. Maybe they just want a more open, less formal, work culture. More cynically, maybe people who reciprocate and see you as family are easier to manipulate into going the extra mile.

We are family!

Family do favors for each other. Family puts up with shit that other people won't. Fuck all that. End of the workday, I want to leave the office and go back to my actual family. You can fantasize about being my brother/father/son all you want. I will not be returning the compliment.

3. The Bravo

Sometimes, at the workplace, you're issued some highly classified equipment and the onus is on you to keep it safe. At one time, I was put to work on a module and that involved having to log in with an OTP which was supplied by an RSA token. I took to keeping it in my locked drawer because taking this damn thing around only increased the chances of me losing it.

A Manager saw me doing that, and this is what he had to say.

"You should take more care. I wear the security dongle around my neck so that if someone wants to take it, they'll have to literally chop my head off."

Oh, wow. You know what I would do if someone gave me a choice between giving them the security token, or getting my head chopped off? I'd give it to them. Hell, I'd even pay for their cab fare.

Don't get ahead
of yourself.

Then again, perhaps that Manager was just a better man than I am. Someone who's willing to die for this crummy job.

Um, no thanks. Why? Because, like any other normal, sane and rational human being, I kind of value my life more than this job or a security token that costs maybe 70 SGD.

4. The Redundant

Here's some context. It was 7PM, and the team was in a meeting trying to iron out a process to speed work up. We were all hungry, tired, and some of us had kids at home who needed attention. The Manager came up with this beauty.

"Do you want to know what I think?"

Gee, I dunno. What are we supposed to say to that? "No thanks, please keep your opinion to yourself"?

Shush, mate.

Honestly? FFS, nobody wants to know what you think. What is this, TCP/IP? If you've got something to say, spit it out, pronto or stop wasting our goddamn time. Jesus!

5. The Amnesiac

I saved the best for last, because this one definitely takes the prize. It came during a code review. My CTO was in the middle of telling me how disgusting my code was, and how it could be done better. OK, fair enough. If my code's not good, I can take criticism like a champ.

Except he did one better. Halfway through changing the code, he paused and said,

"There's no way this could ever work. Are you sure you tested it?"

He then went on to lose his cool, lecture me about integrity, and about not declaring something "done" until it was tested.

Why doesn't this shit work?

You see, the problem was that while screwing around with the code I'd written, he changed the function call to use an integer instead of an object as an argument. The function itself accepted an object as a parameter. So yes, of course, naturally the code wouldn't work. Because he'd just changed it himself five seconds ago.

What was he suggesting - that I somehow took the trouble to fake twelve motherfucking screenshots of the entire module working just so I could avoid actual testing? Look - being an asshole is practically a requirement for a boss in order to get shit done. Just don't be a stupid asshole.

Yeah that's pretty stupid...

I know, right? Maybe we should stop thinking of Managers, employers and the like as better than us. They're in positions of authority, yes. That doesn't mean they don't say stupid things. In fact, they're probably even more prone to it since some of them don't seem to think they're capable of it.

If nothing else, this will hopefully help any Managers reading this to understand how saying certain things can be counterproductive. Your subordinates are supposed to respect you. And it's really difficult if you say things that scream retard.

Got something to say? Just don't.
T___T