Ten Things Office Sycophants Should Avoid Saying

It was on the hallowed halls of LinkedIn where I chanced upon this article by one Vartika Kashyap quite a while ago. The career advice within struck me as spectacularly terrible and not a little out-of-touch. At the time, I put it out of my mind and concentrated on the bigger fish I had to fry.

Years later, revisiting this article, not only have my feelings about the content not changed, I feel that this article deserves a response in the form of satire.  Because, as we all know, the best way to illustrate how bad an idea is, is to agree with it and take it to its logical extreme. And, if the original concept is ridiculous enough, you don't even have to take it that far to reach its logical extreme.

Also, to be fair, advice isn't bad simply because it is bad. Context matters. For example, "stand in front of a moving bus" is great advice for becoming famous, not so much for healthy living. Similarly, Vartika Kashyap's advice is pretty good... if you want a masterclass on how to be a spineless yes-man. Thus, today, I give you... Ten Things Office Sycophants Should Avoid Saying.

1. "No"

Now, we all know that the world of the programmer is a binary one - things are either true or false with no nuance in between. We also know that the real world isn't like that. In the real world, things are what they are, and sometimes we have to temper our expectations because nobody gets what they want 100% of the time.

The answer is. No.

But to hell with all that. As a sycophant, treating your employer like a normal well-adjusted adult is out of the question. No, you should treat your employers like their parents didn't tell them "no" enough as a kids. Life is full of disappointments. Your employers are too fragile to face these harsh realities.

So don't say "no" to your employers. It's very triggering and upsetting. The only time you should say "no", is when it's paired with another negative word. As in, "no problem".

2. "I'll try"

Yoda famously said, "Do or do not. There is no try." Disregard the fact that life isn't a sci-fi movie, and take this phrase to heart. You see, your employers pay you for results. They don't pay you to try. Trying is for losers.

I'll try... and try... and try.

Saying you'll "try" is akin to giving yourself an out if you fail. It is leaving the possibility open for failure. Even if this is the real world and nothing is a certainty, your employers don't pay you to be pedantically honest, either.

Your employers will feel a lot better if you declare with ironclad certainty that you "will" do it. And we all know that their precious feelings are of the utmost importance.

3. "I don't know"

This phrase is completely unacceptable. You are paid to know. And if you don't, you are paid to either find out, or act like you know. Even the appearance of doubt cannot be tolerated.

Act like you know
the future.

Honesty is overrated. Act like you know everything - past, present, future. Finding out takes time, so if you're asked a question which you don't know the answer to, acting like you know is the fastest and therefore only viable solution. Remember, you're a sycophant. Telling your bosses what they want to hear is a mandatory skill.

Never say "I don't know". Never. Unless it's shameless flattery along the lines of "I don't know how you managed to accomplish so much!"

4. "I am busy"

Sure, your employers pay you to be busy. But if you actually tell them that you are busy, there are two implications. The first is that if you're busy to the point where you have to tell people that you're busy, you're just not that good at your job. The second implication is accusatory - your employers overloaded you.

So what if your
plate is full?

Either way, stay away from this one. Be a good yes-man (or woman) and make sure you're always available for your employers. When they tell you to jump, your only response should be to ask how high they would like you to jump.

None of this "I'm busy" bullshit. They own you.

5. "I can't"

Seriously, do I even have to explain this one? Employers want a "can-do" spirit and confidence from their employees. The phrase "I can't" reeks of loser stink. Even though your pay may not reflect it, you're expected to be perfect.

Boundaries are
unacceptable.

Some might see "I can't" as setting boundaries. Again, that is unacceptable. Any self-respecting sycophant understands that there are no boundaries.

6. "I am sorry"

Come on, that is absolute nonsense. This is on the same level of "I don't know". Saying you're sorry implies that you made a mistake, and remember, employers expect you to be perfect whether you're drawing a janitor's wages or an executive's salary.

I'm so sorry...

Accept responsibility? No, no, no. Anything but that. Blame someone else, you complete amateur. But of course, it goes without saying, that you should never blame your employers.

7. "I thought"

"You think, I thought, who confirm?" Thats a popular phrase in Singapore's military, used by nasty drill sergeants to harangue the lower ranks. This usually occurs when a soldier makes the mistake of saying "I thought...".

Stop thinking, soldier!

Obviously, in the military, people are valued by the amount of thinking they don't do, and it's supposed to be the exact opposite in the corporate world.

Your boss doesn't want to be reminded that you're a human being with thoughts, opinions and assumptions. It makes it harder to exploit you that way. Be a good sycophant and keep the thinking to a minimum.

8. "I couldn't"

On the surface, this sounds very similar to "I can't". But while "I can't" refers to a task that's being assigned to you, "I couldn't" refers to some failure to execute an already assigned task.

Well, it's good to see that you're taking the blame like an adult (you know taking the blame is at least partially why the company pays you, right?) but this reminds your employers that you're not infallible and it annoys them.

Flaws are also
unacceptable.

Even though, if you were infallible, logically you probably would be in the position to employ them instead. But no, we don't need to apply logic to the situation. The best way to avoid having to say "I couldn't" in the first place, is not to fail at all. Ever think about that? No? Do better.

9. "That's impossible"

Such a Debbie Downer! This is exactly the kind of thing employers hate hearing. Did mankind make it to the Moon with that kind of attitude? Well, you certainly won't.

Was this impossible too?

While it's certainly true that, objectively, some things are physically or logically impossible, your employers certainly do not need to be reminded by you. Your job here is to be the try-hard, the endless optimist. If your employer wanted actual realistic advice, they have people they actually pay for the privilege. If you're just a sycophant, that's not your role. Stay in your lane.

That said, if you absolutely need to be that honest, you have to be prepared to take it further. Just saying "that's impossible" doesn't cut it.

"Nothing like this has been successful since World War Two." Just like that. Add context to why it's impossible.

"This is a brilliant idea, and it's a pity that it's completely illegal." Sneak in a compliment somewhere. Try not to overdo that part because it just sounds condescending.

 "This completely contravenes the laws of physics and common sense." And qualify it. How impossible is impossible? Though you'll want to leave out things like that last part.

10. "It’s not my fault"

Now, these could be fighting words. If it's not your fault, whose fault is it? Who are you potentially accusing? Thus, this phrase is at best whiny and at worst, finger-pointy. It's your fault because your employer says it is, end of. That's the correct attitude that any sycophant worth their salt should aspire to.

Your fault.

Besides, if a problem crops up, your employers want you to be busy fixing it and not determining who's to blame, especially if they are the cause of the problem. Whether or not it's your fault, is really not the point. It's your responsibility.

Is it the janitor's fault that someone took a giant shit on the white marble floor? No, of course not. But it's still his job to clean it up. Same goes for you. Not your fault? What are you, twelve?

Let me be real for a minute...

Once again, these are obviously just satire. I should certainly hope nobody works for anyone with these expectations, unless they're paid really well to take that nonsense. It also goes without saying that I would sooner hurl myself from the window of my swanky new apartment before I ever considered working for employers like that.

The ten phrases above I not only expect employees to apply when necessary, I consider it their professional duty to do so. Push back against stupid ideas and unreasonable expectations; it's your job, dammit.

Your impossible programmer,
T___T