Ten Job Ad Descriptions to run away from, really fast

Every six months, I make it a point to survey the market and read job advertisements. Not because I want to leave my job, but because I want to keep my finger on the pulse of the web industry. However, due to being hellishly occupied with work and school, I shelved this for pretty much the whole of 2015.

When I finally got back to it recently, I was in for a rude shock. Appalled does not even begin to cover it. Was it me, or had the standards of job advertisements in the web industry fallen shockingly low since I last checked? That was when I started compiling this list of job ad sins. It was a bit of a struggle deciding on a title for this. "Ten ways to look like a complete amateur on a job ad"? "Ten ways to ensure no self-respecting web developer applies for your company, ever"?

No, I will, for the most part, not be including live examples. Because if I did, let me assure you that this list would not be stopping at ten. I will, however, do some paraphrasing.

1. Horrible grammar

This one's a bit of a no-brainer. The odd spelling error here and there is forgivable - actually, hell no it isn't. Not in light of the fact that there's spellcheck and all sorts of nifty tools available these days, and the fact that you're generally supposed to proofread your shit before making it live. That said, I'm prepared to overlook the odd spelling error or two. But when you add bad punctuation and inconsistent capitalization into the mix, I am not going to be regarding your job ad with anything other than derision.

Learn to spell, will ya?

I am a professional, and good golly, I expect - no, demand - a reasonable standard of English from my prospective employers. On the other hand, web developers whose first language isn't English should not mind too much - they probably won't even notice.

Come on. I know us web developers don't earn big money, but calling us "developoors" is a gross exaggeration.

MNC seeks an experienced web developoor.

More examples...

- applicants are expected to have proificiency in Java and Ruby.
- You will be working on our propreitory database management system.

The cruelest irony

- Should conversed well in English and Bahasa.

2. Glaring technical errors

The forward slash is meant to be used when certain things belong together, or are interchangeable.

An example would be

- HTML5/CSS3
- LESS/SASS
- MySQL/Sql Server/Oracle
- XML/JSON

But not this. I'm not sure any web developer wants to work for people who don't understand that Java and JavaScript don't belong together.

- Java/JavaScript
- SDLC/MVC

Odd one out.

And then you have this beauty...

- you should be well-versed in programming languages such as AJAX, ASP.NET, jQuery, MySQL, HTML, Python

Of the above, only one could be classified as a programming language. Don't laugh. It's on so many job ads, in varying permutations, that it stopped being funny a while back. Developers generally want to work for, or alongside people who know what they're doing.

Sure, perhaps a non-technical person such as HR wrote the job ad. Pray tell, what kind of company has so little common sense that it would allow a non-technical person to draft a technical job description?

3. Meaningless requirements

You get this in a huge number of job ads, and they all mean the same thing - absolute squat.

You should be:
- self-motivated
- self-starter
- creative, out-of-the-box thinker
- enthusiastic
- detail-oriented
- a great team player

These things are nigh impossible to prove. Everyone and his dog thinks he's creative and a self-starter. No web developer is going to tell you "I'm boring and unimaginative, and I need the occasional pep talk to keep me motivated".

An out-of-the-box developer?

How is a web developer supposed to prove enthusiasm? Have a GitHub account and contribute to the open source community? Well, then perhaps your job ad should have said this...

You should have a GitHub account which showcases your contributions to the open source community.

See? Say what you actually mean. Wasn't that easy? And way more meaningful than copying some clever-sounding buzzwords from everyone else's job ad?

4. Requirement creep

And sometimes, you get a job description like this. The requirements are so numerous, it makes one wonder how it is humanly possible for any one individual to have them all.

- Well-versed in CMSs such as WordPress and Drupal.
- Expertise in e-Commerce technologies.
- Comfortable with both Windows and Linux environment.
- Have previously participated in projects through at least two successful SDLCs.
- Extensive experience in database systems, preferably SQL Server.
- Mastery of Photoshop and other image-editing tools.
- Expertise in HTML and CSS, and CSS preprocessors like LESS and SASS.
- Must be well-versed in design and UI.
- Mastery of SEO and internet marketing.
- Proficiency in JavaScript and JavaScript libraries like jQuery and MooTools, as well as AngularJS, React and Meteor.
- Deep knowledge of C# is a must.
- Experience in other programming languages such as Java and Ruby.
- Have written apps for both iOS and Android.
- Should be able to deliver twice as fast as the average developer.
- Typing speed of at least 80 wpm.

We call this "requirement creep" because it probably started out as a small and reasonable list of technologies the new hire is supposed to be proficient in, and somewhere along the way, some bright spark remarked "it would be better for him to have deep knowledge as opposed to merely proficiency in C#" or "knowing AngularJS isn't enough - we do a bit of React too, and some Meteor", or even "it would be nice if he was a fast typer as well".

What else did you miss out? Should he fart unit tests and burp functioning code, too?

Santa's in town,
and he'll grant all
your wishes.

I get it - you want the best possible value for your money. So does everyone else. But bear in mind that such a talented individual will probably not be applying for a job - you'll have to poach him from somewhere else and extract him from his current employer's cold dead fingers. And that's if you could afford him.

5. Stupid descriptions

This one really makes me cringe.

Groovy, exciting startup looking for PHP Jedi whose Force is strong in the code.

Looking for a ninja?

Seriously, don't be an idiot. This goes double for job ads with descriptions like "Database Guru", "Digital Samurai", "Code Ninja", "Software Wizard", "Rockstar Programmer", "Superstar Developer" and so on. The web development industry already seems to have problems being taken seriously - people seem to think all we do is make websites. And buddy, you're not helping.

If this is an attempt to appear witty, stop trying so hard. Because it's producing the opposite effect.

6. Too many words

Being grammatically and technically correct won't save you if you don't know when to stop writing your description. Some descriptions are so convoluted with overly long words that by the time the developer's finished reading it all, he's lost the sense of what the ad was trying to say.

Wall of Text effect.

Take this for example

You will be expected to gather clients' requirements through regular meetings and collate them into system specifications for your fellow developers and document these requirements using accepted conventions to illustrate data flow and entity relationships. Upon which you will implement these requirements in proper object-oriented design following industry-accepted best practices and...

Oh snap, where was I? I probably nodded off after the second sentence. Couldn't all that have been adequately condensed into this?

Must be familiar with the Software Development Life Cycle.

Everybody wants to sound like they know stuff, and that unfortunately tends to translate to using ten sentences when you only need ten words. Well, here's something else for you to know - keep it short, and cut the crap.

7. Obsession with years of experience

I understand that in many industries, years of experience is a relevant metric. But where web development - indeed, any kind of software development - is concerned, all bets are off. Web development is such a wide and varied field that no two web developers are likely to have the exact same skillset or progression. Unlike, say, bricklaying. It would be a safe bet to say that a bricklayer with 10 years' experience would have developed muscles pertinent to mixing cement and laying bricks.

EDITOR'S NOTE: If you are a bricklayer and feel that your job scope is way more complex than just mixing cement and laying bricks, please accept my humble apologies.

But for something like this...

- must have 5+ years' experience in software development, at least 2 in mobile environment

It takes someone of average intelligence to learn the basics of software development anywhere between 6 months to a year, perhaps less for those among us who are more gifted. Beyond that, a developer could spend the next few years just reusing those basics and getting better at them, or branching out into other aspects of software development - different technologies, different methodologies, and so on. Just what is having "5+ years' experience in software development" supposed to prove?

Think this guy has
enough experience?

This next one takes that obsession to a new extreme.

- 7 years experience in Java.
- 4 years of experience in Windows server environment.
- 5 years or more in Social Media technologies.
- At least 3 years using C++
- 2 years or more in HTML/CSS/JavaScript
- 2 years or more in...

Or for the utterly ridiculous

- 5 years or more in HTML5.

HTML5's specification was stable in 2014. It first became a thing back in 2008. It is now 2016. In order for the applicant to have 5 years' experience in HTML5, he would have to be one of the founding members of the HTML5 specification. Let's say I cut the job ad some slack and assume the poster meant HTML instead of HTML5. This is HTML, dude. A school kid could learn HTML in a few weeks. Exactly what is an individual with 5 years' experience in HTML supposed to do for you? Do nothing but write EDMs? Write a book on the history of Netscape, maybe?

HR needs to stop trying to apply general rule-of-thumb to web development. It doesn't work.

8. Needing that degree

Many job ads seem more interested in the web developer's academic qualifications rather than his ability.

- Candidate should possess a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science, Information Technology or any other related discipline.

Having one degree and three diplomas, I probably should be the last to complain about this. But the fact is that this betrays a lack of understanding as to how web development works. A vast percentage of the web is created by self-taught developers with little to no formal computer science education. Why's that? Because you don't need a goddamn Computer Science degree to do web development. There's plenty of learning material on (gasp!) the web.

Degrees FTW!

A formal Computer Science degree simply gives a better idea of what the developer should have learned in school, but even that is a poor gauge for what skills he has kept current. I remember learning data structures and memory management and Boolean Algebra when I was a teenager, mugging for exams. How much of it have I actively used in web development? Pitifully little. Academic qualifications mean very little, especially if said qualifications were earned ten years ago and you're in a field that evolves every couple years.

9. Laundry list

I wrote about this back in February in response to something the managing director of Fixx Digital said, but it bears repeating.

Some job ads have a very specific list of skills they want their web developer to have. Way too specific.

- proficient in PHP 5.5 and above.
- knowledge of CodeIgniter.
- familiar with MySQL version 6.0 onwards.

I get it. I do! You want someone to fit into that pigeonhole, someone you don't have to spend time training, who may just up and leave anyway. I've said it before and I'll say it again - this is terribly shortsighted. You're missing out on potentially great hires as opposed to people who simply happen to have that specific skillset.

Check those boxes!

Try this instead.

- proficient in PHP, preferably version 5.5 and above.
- knowledge of MVC frameworks such as CodeIgniter.
- familiar with SQL databases such as MySQL.

See what I did there? The general skill was listed there, followed by a preference or example. This means that candidates applying for the job will at least have the foundation rather than the specific skillset. And if they don't know the specific technology, they can always learn. They have the foundation, don't they?

If you're not willing to invest in people, why should people invest the best years of their youth in your company?

10. Outright douchebaggery

I don't actually want to flog that dead horse and bring to life the specter of Sugar Technologies' disastrous job ad back in 2014, but this serves as a great example of what to write if you want to piss developers off.

Watch the attitude.

Who We Want:

• You are ambitious, intense and entrepreneurial, and you dream of doing truly epic shit with your life. You recoil at the thought of having 1.15 kids, balloting for a flat, saving up for a Toyota and waiting to withdraw your CPF savings at 65 (or 70, or 80, or 120).

Who We Don't Want:

• You are a shallow social climber whose dream is to work for Goldman Sachs because it "looks good on your CV". You went to an Ivy League university because it would "look good on your CV". But you couldn't get into Goldman Sachs (or Citibank, or HSBC) because you actually have no passion for finance, just like how you want to buy that Louis Vuitton bag (because it will "look good on your social CV") despite having no passion for design and craftsmanship. Guess what? If you were rejected by Goldman Sachs, you will be rejected by us too. For exactly the same reasons. Advice: try applying for a government job.
• You are a social misfit. You like technology only because you can't relate to real people. You spend your weekends playing DOTA and in your sleep you dream about your hero reaching Level 38. At school, you were always the last to get picked on any project or sports team. Having a conversation with you is about as interesting as watching paint dry. Advice: go seek help from a mental health professional.

A certain amount of arrogance is healthy. But if you're going to act like people should be grateful to be working for you, you'd better be more than just another start-up out of millions in sunny Singapore. And yes, almost all start-ups will claim they are that special. Let's just see who's left standing after the next few years, shall we?

At the end of the day...

Your company's job ad affects the kind of applicants you get, which in turn affects the kind of employees you eventually get. Many job ads I see could be worded a little more carefully and some of them just need to be killed with fire.

Web developer looking for a halfway decent job ad,
T___T