Five Tech Support Horror Stories

The early years of my career were in tech support. As with any other job, there were good days and there were bad days. After the third year at the job, the bad days started to outnumber the good. It all seems hilarious in hindsight now, but there were some days where things in this list caused me to question my career choices.

Until one day it all came to a head and I decided I'd had enough, and started over in web development.

Sometimes I get together with some friends who are still in tech support, and we trade horror stories of the users we have to help. These are some of the stories that get 'em, every time.

1. Plugging in

This is actually a fairly common one, but let's start small. You get called to a user's desk because the desktop computer refused to turn on no matter how many times they pressed the On/Off button. And they even checked if the main switch was on. And judging from the light, it was.

Not plugged in.

However, upon closer examination, it turned out that the cord wasn't plugged in. Yes, you read that right - the power was on but the plug was just halfway into the socket and needed to penetrate another two inches before the computer could actually benefit from that power source.

Sound stupid? Welcome to my life at that time, buddy.

2. Opening Excel

Another alarmingly commonplace occurence was getting called into the office of some hotshot executive who was encountering an issue opening a MS PowerPoint file in his (or sometimes, her) MS Excel application.

Now, if you're still scratching your head and wondering why that's a problem, reread the preceding sentence. MS PowerPoint file. MS Excel application.

Just a bad fit.

I dunno, that was the early 2000s, and attempting stuff like that smacked of trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It was amusing the first couple times, and then it got old real fast.

3. Infinite scroll

This was was so cartoonish it was almost amusing. I got a panicked call to a user's desk because her MS Excel spreadsheet was scrolling endlessly downwards on her screen and she couldn't understand why. It conjured up images of getting hacked, a malfunctioning monitor and whatnot.

The truth was even funnier.

Held down the ENTER key.

I got there, and the first thing I did was remove the heavy binder from her keyboard, which had been pressing down on the ENTER key and causing MS Excel to react as though some user was holding down that key.

4. Email Signature

This particular incident did not happen during my years of Desktop Support, but rather during my fledgling years as a web developer. However, the incident in question made me more determined than ever to never get back to Desktop Support.

A user had asked me to help set up her email signature because she had no clue how to use MS Outlook. I obliged, because I know sometimes Microsoft software functionality can be hidden in the darnedest places. But then after I got into the interface, input the standard company email signature template, I asked her to type in her name into the box and click the SAVE button.

Yay! We're now
qualified to type
our own names!

Guess what she told me?

"You should do it. You have an IT Degree."

That level of entitlement was staggering. What was she implying now, that she needed an IT Degree to type in her own goddamn name? What foolishness was this? This wasn't a competence issue. This was an attitude issue. And the less of this I see in the workplace, the better. There's no place for this nonsense in any work environment. Hopefully this woman has since retired. At the very least, she's someone else's problem.

5. Emails

This is also a fairly common complaint among grunts, not just tech grunts - people feeling like they're entitled to your time outside of office hours.

I remember having a dinner appointment with someone, and Human Resources asking me to stay back because they needed me to, wait for it, retrieve some emails from the email server backups between three of the staff. Staff they were planning to terminate, thus they needed evidence of wrongdoing as leverage.

A whole bunch of
DVD backups.

Basically, nothing was on fire. They just needed me to help cover their asses. Hours later, as I was retrieving yet another batch (back then, it was the era where stuff like that was stored on DVDs), when HR asked me: "I'm sorry, did you have something on tonight?"

Seriously, lady, if the answer was "yes" would it have made a difference? If not, how about just shutting the fuck up? You know what's worse than people who don't care? People who don't care and try to act (badly) like they do.

Phew!

I wouldn't say any one incident turned me off of Desktop Support. Even on its own, it can be a repetitive grind that wears on the soul. But these were the war stories that I shared with the guys. And their reactions suggested that these occurrences weren't at all unheard of. Some of their stories were even more unbelievable than mine.

No, you don't need an IT Degree to read this,
T___T

A Tech Professional's Takeaways From Coldplaygate

Everyone's probably heard of Coldplaygate by now; certainly it seems like everyone's talking about it. The scandal involves tech company Astronomer, and its then-CEO Andrew Byron and HR Kristin Cabot. While it does qualify as a tech story in the sense that Astronomer is a DataOps tech company, I've put off talking about it up to now.

Why? Because, well, there were just other, more compelling things to talk about. I mean, the scandal essentially revolves around two high-ranking colleagues Byron and Cabot having an extramarital affair. It's basically two people at the workplace getting into trouble because they couldn't keep it in their pants. Nothing terribly new or original about that, is there?

What happened was that on the 16th of July at a Coldplay concert, frontman Chris Martin was shouting out concert-goers that the Kiss Cam picked up. And the Kiss Cam just happened to fall upon Byron and Cabot in the audience.

It would have been less awkward if the two of them had been in a chest-to-chest bro hug. No such luck; they were in full-on Titanic pose. Byron could have claimed he was giving Cabot the Heimlich, except his hands were entirely too high up, doing his best imitation of a Victoria's Secret underwire product, for that to be a feasible excuse.

The two of them scattered like Flat-earthers confronted with facts, and within twenty-four hours, the Internet identified the two of them as colleagues who were married... to other people.

All in all, a shitshow for Astronomer.

My takeaways to this entire thing aren't moral. Everyone seems to already be on that dog-pile, and there's no real value in me joining in. Also, I'd like to keep this about tech, or at least about the professional space.

Decision-making

Sure, obviously, the entire thing is unprofessional AF. And also kind of dumb.

Cheating on your spouses is one thing; doing it in a packed and very public stadium and expecting nothing to go wrong, is both stupid and reckless. Not exactly the kind of decision-making that inspires confidence in a Board of Directors.

Decisions, decisions.

I'd expect the CEO of a company, whose decisions affect the livelihoods of employees of said company, to make better decisions. Then again, I'm just a software dev, what the hell do I know about decision-making, right? Well, for one, I wouldn't make the decision to put myself in a position where I could be caught live on camera using my hands to keep my sidechick's mammary glands warm.

The faked apology

Soon after the incident, there was an apology posted by a troll account, pictured below. It appeared to be a post from Andy Byron addressing the events of Coldplaygate.

This fooled many people.

This was debunked fairly quickly, but apparently a lot of people were convinced it was real, and it spread like wildfire. Andy Byron was being roundly mocked for being both tone-deaf and an idiot. Unfairly, in this case.

But here's the question: why did it seem so real?

The reason, dear readers, is disheartening. Too many people in positions of authority, when called out for behaving badly, post insincere-sounding apologies like this one. Usually along the lines of "this is not who I want to be" and "I am a work in progress", and even the shade thrown at Coldplay at the end did not appear out of character simply because it happens so often. That level of entitlement is all too real, even if the post wasn't.

The simulation was, if anything, too on-the-nose. There was no A.I and deepfake involved in this deception; the troll account wasn't even trying that hard. This is deeply concerning.

LinkedIn Profiles

On Kirstin Cabot's now-inactive LinkedIn account, she described herself as "a passionate people leader known for building award-winning cultures from the ground up for fast-growing startups and multinational corporations. An influential leader and fearless change-agent, I lead by example and win trust with employees of all levels, from CEOs to managers to assistants."

Just reading that made me throw up a little in my mouth. If you want your LinkedIn profile to sound as cringe as possible, you could do worse than take notes from this one.

Word salad.

Can someone say "word salad"? What is the term "fearless change-agent" even supposed to mean to anyone? What's even more disturbing is, this is supposed to be a HR professional. Is this the kind of garbage that impresses HR? Or is it just some kind of SEO for A.I-powered recruitment? Either way, if this is the new normal for both job-seekers and hirers, we are so screwed.

Much of the sniggering has been about how someone with such a self-aggrandizing LinkedIn profile could turn out this way, but honestly, I've never held such profiles in high regard. If you're someone that would be impressed by fancy words on a LinkedIn profile that a thesaurus could vomit out, that's on you.

Conclusion

I wouldn't be too hard on Andy Byron. Not everyone can handle being in a position of power. Tends to go to ones head, you know? Both of them, in some cases. Heh heh.

Also, Kristin Cabot. Sure, call her a skank, homewrecker, whatever. But her being HR aside, what's she really done that's so different from every other woman who ever cosied up to the Boss?

Looks like they got (cold)played,
T___T

2020 - Three Jobs In a Year (Part 3/3)

The day of my next performance review arrived. However, in the morning, the was a bit of a hullabaloo over something I can't quite remember, and I asked a question. His reply was public, and scathing.

"Stop asking stupid questions, it doesn't help."

This raised an eyebrow. This guy wasn't even pretending to be nice anymore. He sure wasn't holding back. Fine. He wanted to play this game? Confidence bolstered by knowledge of my finances and my eventual plan to leave, I was more than willing to oblige. I held my peace, biding my time till the time for the performance review came.

HR was in the call, and before my CTO arrived, she told me that he could be a little high strung and come across as curt at times, leading me to suspect that this wasn't the first time he had rubbed someone the wrong way. However, she assured me that my CTO was "not a malicious person". I don't think the lady actually understood the problem. It wasn't malice. I had never considered my CTO to be a malicious person. My problem with him was that for a dude in his mid-thirties, he had the emotional control of a teenager.

Then my CTO arrived in the call. He started off by saying that while he had noted some improvement in my performance, he still wasn't confident in my ability to work in the company and he would continue to keep monitoring. He brought up certain concerns such as my perceived slowness in replying in the Slack chat, and actively encouraged me to "defend" myself against his accusations. I was amused at this. This guy wanted a fight? He had no idea what was coming.

It was my turn to talk. Here, I applied the Sandwich Method that I had learned during my ACTA days - start with something nice before saying something negative. I led with how much fun I'd had in these six months compared to the last three years at the previous, much larger company, which was the truth. The variety of tasks assigned to me had made things a lot more interesting. He seemed to be tickled pink by this.

Time for the stick.

And then it was time to give him the stick. The guy never suspected what he was walking into.

I began voicing my concerns, like how the things like code cleanliness and organization that he kept saying he valued and were missing in my work, just weren't present in the existing code base either. It was a huge mess, with me having to fix problems that had existed for years. Like the recent Cross-site Scripting vulnerability issues, that I'd already brought up in my first few weeks at work. I had thought it was bad; now that I stepped up my game (as he had wanted me to do) and actually started proactively looking for ways to improve the code base, it was worse than I initially thought. I stopped short of saying his code base was garbage, but the implication was clear: I blamed the tech leadership. Honestly, I figured that since this guy enjoyed pointing fingers so much, he wouldn't mind receiving some of the same. Seems fair, right?

Nope!

In a nutshell, he blew the fuck up. Accused me of trying to turn this performance review around on him, and questioning why I chose to bring it up now rather than during Tech meetings. He told me I should be more careful with my words (rich coming from him, really) and yes he was doing a bad job which was precisely why he needed people like me to step up. As he raged, HR had to step in and try to smooth things over.

On my part, as I calmly sat there and smoked a cigarette, listening to his raving through the computer screen and HR trying to stop him before he went too far, I couldn't help feeling unbelievably smug. This had turned out better than I had anticipated. My original intention had been to gently point out that the existing code base was every bit as crappy as his opinion of my work, and that he should maybe assume some responsibility being the CTO and all. Instead, he had chomped down on the bait like an idiot, and his little meltdown in front of HR was showing exactly what I thought: this guy was a loose cannon.

Aw, poor baby. I think I hurt his feelings.

Some of you may be asking; what did I hope to gain from this? Well, nothing at all. I understood that he had all the power in this contest of wills. But I had absolutely nothing to lose here; mentally I had already checked out and was prepared to be fired on the spot.

More importantly, my point had been made, and I hope it wasn't lost on him. All those times he had been putting me down in front of the entire team, he had forgotten one thing: I was a no-name web developer with no reputation to hurt. He, on the other hand, was the CTO and co-founder of the company. Should I ever decide to actually stop holding back, I could do a lot more damage to him than he could ever do to me. This was merely a scaled-down demonstration on my part; I had humiliated him in front of HR rather than the entire Tech Department. Actually, scratch that - I had exploited his weakness and caused him to humiliate himself. After all, regardless of the critical content of my message, I had unfailingly been polite and professional.

He had been punching down constantly. But once I started punching back after six months of taking his shit, I made sure it fucking hurt.

I was smiling the rest of the day, after the review ended. It later struck me that I hadn't had the opportunity to apply the last piece of the Sandwich Method as originally planned. HR had ended the meeting in a hurry.

In hindsight, though, I recognize that what I did to my own CTO is nothing to be proud of. No matter what a childish asshole he had been, I had allowed myself to be dragged down to that level.

Shit, I was supposed to be better than that. What had I become?

I'm not sorry it happened to him, because he pretty much had it coming. But I'm sorry it had to be me who did it. I've always prided myself on being above this sort of thing. This incident had shown me that when push comes to shove, I'm as capable of petty cruelty as anyone else. Hopefully, going forward, this does not become a pattern. It would make me a truly frightening employee to hire. Most people think that the revenge of a disgruntled tech geek is to hack databases and destroy code bases. No, what I had done was far more insidious... and legal to boot.

Getting the axe

And then it happened. One Thursday evening, he messaged me on Slack to berate me about yet another mistake I'd made, and admittedly it was a sizeable one. He told me to fix it by morning, and I actually made an honest attempt to do so.

In the morning, out of the blue, the DevOps Engineer sent me a message on Slack. As I no longer have access to that conversation, I can only recreate it from memory.

Him: I'm so sorry to hear what happened, and I just want you to know I had nothing to do with his decision and hope you find something soon.
Me: Oh, am I getting fired?
Him: Oh fuck, you didn't get the email?

Well, there you go. I wasn't sure I could look down on my CTO even more at this point, but kudos to him, he certainly was making a case for it. Not only had he fired me via email (what a spineless move - even the last guy to do it back in 2011 had extended me the professional courtesy of doing it face-to-face), he'd screwed even that up by sending it to multiple people... except me.

The charitable interpretation is that the CTO had finally had enough of me making mistakes and decided to just put me out of my misery instead of dragging out the probation process any longer than he already had. The cynical interpretation is, well, I'd finally given him a plausible excuse to do what he was itching to do.

I received the email in question, after the CTO re-sent it. The first two lines went along the lines of "your contract has been terminated as of September 11, 2020" and I didn't really bother to read the rest. I mean, I did scan the contents of the following paragraphs, all pertaining to how I failed as an employee, in cringey broken English to boot. But it was ultimately unimportant. The most relevant lines were the first two. There was only one thought running through my mind.

Saved by the axe.

I was free. Free of this douchebag and his appalling behavior.

The first thing I did was to inform my family, and my soon-to-be ex-colleagues. And then I took a nice long coffee break. Rather than mull over the fact that I had effectively just been fired, I was actually more tickled by the fact that it had happened on September 11th.

Aftermath

Sure, this was a stressful six months. But I have really very little to complain about. Swear to God, I've had worse.

After all, however unpleasant I found my experience with the CTO to be, I did absorb whatever lessons I could. I picked up new tools, new techniques, and got to apply some stuff that, up to this point, had been little more than a hobby. I collected yet another interesting war story to add to my ever-growing collection. And I got paid for it.

On the CTO's side, if my work was really as useless as he claimed it to be; well then, I guess some poor sucker just paid me six months to deliver jackshit, didn't he? It could just be me being a hopeless optimist and overly determined to seek out that silver lining, but I honestly don't see myself as the loser in all this.

The silver lining

I may have failed to hold on to the job, but my failure was professional. I had merely failed to meet my CTO's technical expectations. His failure was far more spectacular - he had failed to meet my expectations of emotional maturity. He had failed as a person. The company had gotten rid of an underperforming dev, but it had retained a far larger problem - someone in a position of authority who simply did not have the correct temperament.

Landing that next job

The next two weeks were pure bliss. I swam every day. I wrote code, practised on my new MacBook Air and played games on my phone, all the while applying to jobs and attending Skype interviews. I wasn't worried despite the COVID-19 situation. From experience, getting a job took months. But I had already checked my financial reserves. I was good for a few years, especially since my parents and wife were being very understanding about the entire situation.

All the while, I kept in contact with my ex-colleagues from that company, and their daily complaints about taking on my workload was like music to my ears. Hey, I no longer had to deal with that shit.

And then one evening, my ex-boss took me out to dinner and introduced to me the Director of an F&B company, the guy who would soon be my next boss. We talked about career goals and business plans over dinner and a cigarette. And next day, he messaged me to tell me to get up to speed on WordPress, while he got HR to prepare my application.

Shit, that had escalated quickly. But I liked the dude. And while my nice break was a lot shorter than I had originally envisioned, I was perfectly willing to work for him despite the fact that the office was at the other end of the island.

YouTube tutorials

I got to work, watching YouTube videos on how to code in WordPress, and one day before I was due to start work, I was already being drafted to attend meetings.

There was some consternation the next day with HR when I discovered that my probationary period would be six months. And that my job title was "Manager" of the newly-created InfoComm Department. I was slightly mollified at my generous pay package, which was far more than I'd ever been paid. But still... Manager? Christ!

The first two weeks were a bit of a struggle as we sussed out each other's working style. I found that my sometimes obsessive style of working meshed nicely with his propensity for hustling late into the night. Eventually, I ended up working from home again because the traveling was eating into the working time. I was tasked to bridge the company's e-store to its CRM (a success story in its own right), and by the third week, we deployed to Production.

Six months later...

My probationary period has officially ended. In the space of that half-year, I have deployed an ungodly number of features, met insane deadlines and in the process expanded the code base by roughly five times. The code base was a mess, but my boss didn't care as long as shit worked, and was delivered promptly.

It was hell at times, doing all that work all by my lonesome, but I'm happy. The fact that I have money and don't actually need the job, probably helps. And what I like about my current boss is, while the deadlines he throws at me are sometimes nuts, he has the sense to trust me to do my job and stay out of my way.

And just as importantly, nobody questions my worth to the company. Even in the short time that I've been there, my presence has most definitely been felt. If not in terms of my personality, definitely in terms of the work I've done.

Meeting targets.

More than once, I've been given the chance to show the company what I'm made of, and I like to think that on most occasions, barring a couple mishaps here and there, I've stepped up. There have been no major conflicts. Things could be better, but as I've recently experienced for myself, they could also be hell of a lot worse.

OK, I'm done!

I don't write all this with the intention of besmirching my ex-CTO's good name. Note that the name of neither CTO nor company was mentioned. Not once. Some developers don't have a problem openly trashing their former employers. Not my style. If I speak of any former employers, whether it be good or bad, they will always remain unnamed. That's just how it is.

Also, I have no personal interest in what befalls him or the company. This is merely an interesting story about yet another asshole boss in yet another short chapter of my career. Gotta admit, this lovely character gave me plenty of material. If you managed to learn something from this, great.

And this also marks another period in my life where I worked in three different companies in the space of one year. It's been nine years since the last time, and I'm getting too old for this shit. Still, I can take something positive from this. The fact that I could lose my job, and secure another one just like that - in the midst of a global pandemic, no less - tells me good things.

Talk about third time lucky!
T___T

A Walkout Against Tech Discrimination

It never rains, but pours.

And for Google, it's been a veritable monsoon. From the Damore debacle to getting successfully sued by Oracle, Google has been facing an increasing avalanche of problems. The Silicon Valley giant found itself the subject of a massive walkout staged by its own employees all over the world last week, in response to revelations of sexual misconduct from male staff and how Google handled (or mishandled, depending on who you ask) these cases.

One particular case stands out. Andy Rubin, known as "Father of Android", was asked to leave a few years ago when the company discovered that he had sexually assaulted a colleague. The severance package was 90 million.

Now, if Google had been under legal obligation to pay that amount, this wouldn't have been an issue. But then-CEO Larry Page appeared to have covered up the entire incident for fear of negative press, and paid Rubin to keep him quiet. And in these times, the SJW culture in Google, fostered quite handily by current CEO Sundar Pichai, simply wouldn't stand for it.

Thus, the walkout.

It started in Google's offices in Asia, such as Singapore. And then those in the US and Canada joined in. Several more countries are on the list, but hell if I'm going to name them all. Employees left their desks in droves at 11 AM, gathering outside or in lobbies to protest against the actions taken to protect these sexual predators, with a specific list of demands.

Cute flyer, eh?

The Demands

An end to forced arbitration in cases of harassment and discrimination. Sure, I can get behind that. Harassment and discrimination (especially the former) is too big to be buried. Deal with it openly and fairly. Involve the law, if need be.

A commitment to end pay and opportunity inequity, for example making sure there are women of color at all levels of the organization, and accountability for not meeting this commitment. Oh, really? That kind of bullshit is ruinous. Ending pay and opportunity inequity is a fine and noble goal; artificially putting people in place based on gender and race is discriminatory... and an insult to women of color who actually earned their spot.

A publicly disclosed sexual harassment transparency report. Well and good. Easy to do, I'd imagine. Provided nobody tries to, ahem, hush things up.

A clear, uniform, globally inclusive process for reporting sexual misconduct safely and anonymously. HR would have to seriously pull its socks up, and be afforded more autonomy overall. Not easy by any means, but doable.

Elevate the Chief Diversity Officer to answer directly to the CEO and make recommendations directly to the board of directors. In addition, appoint an employee representative to the board. Oh, fuck off. A "Chief Diversity Officer" sounds like a stupid idea in the first place. Why the obsession over diversity? Google does not need less men or more women; they need more employees who don't disrespect their colleagues, period. And they need management who will enforce the rules effectively with neither fear nor favor.

How did it get to this?

First off, let me just say that the prevalence of males over females in the tech scene is more a Silicon Valley problem rather than a specifically Google one. But hey, we all gotta start somewhere.

Next, a company of Google's size notoriously difficult to police, and it ought to be. Sure, they can have policies in place. Fat lot of good it did with Uber, if you recall. As long as higher management disregards these rules at any point in time for whatever justification, it's all moot. Larry Page' actions have come back to bite Google in the ass, and I can't say I'm sorry about that. Sure, my disdain for the SJW culture in Google is well-documented, but my antipathy towards those who abuse their authority to coerce colleagues into sexual favors is far greater.

Google did not get themselves into this position overnight. It was built up over generations of hiring the wrong kind of people, and lax enforcement of mutual respect in the workplace. No amount of hysterical SJWs clamoring for justice is going to change that unless higher management changes their approach, prioritizing employees over the company's pristine (well, now not so pristine) image and PR. I've said it before - Google is a profit-driven corporation trying desperately to appear socially conscientious while struggling with issues such as alleged pay disparity between males and females, gender discrimination and now sexual misbehavior. My opinion is that they tried too damn hard to maintain that image, even at the cost of their ethics, and it backfired. Spectacularly.

What now?

Sundar Pichai is coming off as placatory in his statements, and it's hard not to feel a little sorry for the guy. Sure, he didn't make things better, but let's be fair - he inherited the situation in 2015. He didn't ask for any of this, and whatever changes he might have wanted to make would have to pass the Board of Directors, whose main concerns are profits and the aforementioned PR. That SJW culture he seems to have tacitly encouraged during his tenure is now rising up to put an end to the charade.

This is just coming from some nobody software dev from the tiny island of Singapore, but I say - practice what your motto preaches. Do The Right Thing - over and over - and the rest will slowly but surely follow. For now, of course, ol' Sundar can only hope to survive the fallout from this. There are no quick fixes.

That's all from me. Over and (walk)out!
T___T

The Fine Art of Leaving (Part 3/3)

So you've tendered your resignation and your last day draws near. The deed is done. What next?

Clean-up

Well, this depends on whether you actually have a notice period to fulfill. And even if not, a lot of this still applies. This part is called the Clean-up because this is traditionally where most people delete their browser histories in the office and incriminating emails from their inboxes. Though, in all honesty, this should be done on a regular basis, not just when you're about to leave.

Handing over

Any clients you may be facing will need to know that you are leaving, and who to contact in your permanent absence. If you're permitted to draft an auto-reply in your email, do it. Even so, try to make a personal effort to inform these clients that they will no longer be having the pleasure of your assistance. Some of them may try to wrangle freelance work out of you; if so, check if it's something that conflicts with the company's interest. True, you don't owe them shit. But it's still bad form.

Hand over like a pro.

There's also doing whatever you can to ensure that those taking over your duties have an easier time of it. Keep yourself available to assist even after leaving. Provide documentation for your work so others can take over it.

Farewell Message

The last day is here. You'll want to say your goodbyes, and if you're popular, people will want to seek you out to say their goodbyes.

Saying bye.

This could come in the form of a company-wide email. Sure, go ahead. But please, stay classy. No one wants to hear, or be involved in the beef you have with Management. No one wants to know what you hate about the company that you'll be leaving by the end of the day. It's probably tempting to get witty and throw out some snarky comments on the way out. Frustration will to that to you.

Sorry, you're an adult and a professional (there's that word again). That kind of behavior doesn't cut it. You're leaving them to their misery and heading for greener pastures. You've won; no need to rub it in. Be gracious. Be a good winner.

Some will want to write a long, drawn-out email thanking everybody one by one. My personal style is to leave a box of cookies in the pantry, write two lines informing the company that it's my last day, and then fuck right off. Your mileage may vary.

Don't dwell on trivialities

There will be inevitable discrepancies between what you think you are owed, and what the company thinks you are owed. Sometimes it's just a misunderstanding or a failure to read the terms of your contract carefully. Sometimes the company really is out to screw you. You can argue, haggle, cry up a storm... and maybe you'll win. Maybe the company will pay you the extra few days you were owed before you tendered your resignation. Maybe you'll be allowed to process the claims you made before tendering your resignation. And then you'll get what is quaintly known as a "moral victory".

To what end?

Don't be petty.

You're leaving. It's just a few hundred dollars, maybe a thousand. Give it to them. If it's all that important to them, let them have it. And let them know that you're letting them have it. Come on, considering all the time and energy they undoubtedly sucked out of you over the years, a bit of money is nothing. The refusal to lose out even in small matters does you no good.

I wouldn't preach it if I haven't done it myself. Sometimes, HR is gonna be like "oh, we need to take away a few days' pay because at this point, you're no longer entitled to Paid Leave" even though it was a retrenchment and I was put on gardening leave after I applied for annual leave. And my response was basically, "You know what? This doesn't make sense to me, but whatever, take it." The message was, "Geez, if you're that hard up...".

Make friends

Finally, you can add your ex-colleagues on Facebook! What, you already have them on Facebook? Fool. Don't ever do that again.

You can be buddies now!

But seriously, ex-colleagues are some of the best additions to your network. No professional survives in a vacuum. At the very least, add them to your LinkedIn account. Unless they're useless wastes of space. Then don't.

There may be some ex-colleagues whom you really get along famously with and want to befriend. Well, now you can, and should. No more conflict of interest!

That's it, we're done!

Preparation, Follow-through, Clean-up. There's an art to leaving. Believe that. Because, like it or not, the company you are leaving will be part of your employment history. Exit like a pro.

Just gonna leave this here,
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A very unsexy sexism scandal for Uber

In the past two weeks, Uber has been in the news for the wrong reasons.

Susan Fowler, former site reliability engineer at Uber, now working for payment gateway company Stripe, released a blogpost which detailed an unpleasant account of the sexist treatment she received while working for Uber. You can read her story for yourself - it's a pretty absorbing tale. I'm just going to paraphrase some of the injustices she allegedly suffered.

- Fowler was sexually propositioned by her superior on her first day at work.

- Upon reporting the offence to HR, HR decided that the offender would not be penalized because he was a high performer and it was his first offense.

- Fowler was offered an option to transfer. However, if she opted to remain, she would risk a retaliatory bad performance review from her superior, and this review would be considered legit because she had refused the option to transfer. (Are you rolling your eyes at this crap? I am.)

- Subsequent complaints about the offender from other colleagues were similarly covered up with the "first offense" excuse.

- There's also some weird shit about leather jackets...

- Her Manager threatened to fire her because she reported his Manager to HR.

- Her performance reviews were altered negatively, blocking her chances for a raise, bonus and transfer.

Do I believe Fowler? I'm inclined to. It seems to be consistent with the overall "frat-bro" culture I've been hearing about at Silicon Valley. But just because I believe her doesn't automatically make her allegations true - and until this is confirmed by the other party, they remain allegations.

In all fairness, we don't have Uber's side of the story. And it's pretty hard to get at the moment considering CEO Travis Kalanick declared that he was going to conduct an internal investigation concerning Fowler's allegations, and said investigation is still ongoing. Coming from a guy who once described his company as "Boober", this strikes me as rather ironic.

But if - if Fowler's allegations are true, this is nothing short of disgusting.

Now, I've never been under the illusion that Human Resource was on the employee's side. I've long accepted that HR is on the side of management in most cases, and the sooner one comes to terms with this reality, the better. Even so, there ought to be limits. Covering up outright wrongdoing crosses that line twice. It's not so much that the offender in question was a hotshot who delivered consistently and that Fowler was just one of many engineers. This would have been as great a travesty if Fowler had been a janitor.

What are the consequences of this bad press?

As long as Uber continues to deliver quality services, I'm not about to support the #DeleteUber. campaign. Not that I think users shouldn't delete the Uber app - I think users should do whatever they damn well please. My objection to Uber's employment practices are not moral in nature. I don't care if Uber hires perverts with weird deviant fetishes in their spare time, wife abusers or utter assholes. As long as these people are good at what they do, all's well and dandy.

And no, I certainly don't give a flying fuck that Uber didn't participate in the taxi strike by the New York Taxi Workers Alliance in protest over the so-called Muslim ban by the Trump administration, which was the entire catalyst for the #DeleteUber campaign. Not everything is about Donald Trump, dammit!

No, my objections are from an ethical and professional standpoint. It is unethical to discriminate in terms of anything but ability. It is unprofessional to subject your co-workers to sexual harassment, which by any objective standard is a huge no-no. Nobody works in a vacuum. Nobody is that good. And when somebody unwilling or unable to play nicely with others, gets put in a position of power, everyone suffers. The company eventually suffers. No matter how good you are, it's only half the picture. The other half of the picture is all about how well you work with others.

By that measure, Uber has failed. Not as a service provider, but as a company. And I won't be shedding any tears if they do go down due to talent leaving, because based on this account, it's nothing less than they deserve.

However, users don't care about all that. And neither are they required to. Uber's user base does not look likely to significantly decrease. They may suffer a dip in profits, but this won't be a deal-breaker for their continued sustainability.

The real fallout is likely to be in employment. If Uber doesn't review the way it treats its employees pronto, they may find real difficulty in retaining current talent, and hiring future talent. No self-respecting engineer wants to be rated on anything but ability. In fact, the average engineer probably will not thrive in a toxic environment where playing office politics is required to get ahead.

I don't generally take cabs, so deleting Uber from my mobile is a moot point. But assuming I was an Uber user, this would not cause me to delete the app. I would, however, not want to work in Uber at all.

Having just a fraction of Fowler's ability and experience, I doubt Uber would be interested in hiring me (though I might make a pretty good janitor) but even if they were, I think it's safe to say I won't be touching that cesspool with a ten-foot pole. There are few things I detest more than a tech company that doesn't even attempt to treat its employees fairly. I've worked for enough of these companies to feel a severe antipathy towards such practices.

Damage Control

Richard Levick, founder and CEO of Levick, suggested that Uber could repair the situation by hiring more female engineers.

Are you fucking
serious?!

Firstly, hiring based on gender rather than ability is just more sexism. Not what Uber needs right now.

Secondly, hiring females just to appease the public is insulting to both the hired personnel and the people being appeased.

Thirdly, until Uber's macho-shit culture is improved and Human Resource practices put under severe scrutiny, they have no business hiring any female.

Yep, something smells fowl at Uber, all right.
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Social Media Mishap

Last year around this time, I was employed in an SME as an in-house web developer. How that came about is a tale for another day. This story is about an ex-colleague. My colleague was dismissed from her position. And how it happened will be a good bit of food for thought.

Things had been a little tense between the CEO and her lately, with her being very vocal about her displeasure as to how things were transpiring. It all came to a head one fateful evening when she posted an epic rant on Facebook, not naming any names, but using very colorful language and leaving no doubt, to those in the know, as to whom she was referring to. As it happened, the HR Manager was on her Friends List, and saw it. This was escalated to the COO, who in turn made it known to the CEO that this employee was dissing him on Social Media. There was an enquiry, which took place over some conversation where my now ex-colleague was asked to explain herself, after which she voluntarily resigned.

Tendering.

That's not being dismissed...

Splitting hairs a bit here, aren't we? Technically, yes, she was not dismissed and thus she had no grounds to sue for unfair dismissal. But if she had not resigned, things would have gotten very unpleasant. In spirit, there's not much difference there.

There have been several incidences of employees being dismissed due to something they posted on Social Media, such as Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. So many that I won't even bother to link you to an example. Just do a Google search.

That sucks!

Sure it does. It's a crappy thing to happen to anyone. But allow me to explain my position here.

My ex-colleague's a nice lady. Sure, she's a little dramatic and hot-tempered. So she isn't perfect. But we do get along and I wish her no ill. That said, I harbor no sympathy for her in this situation. She had it coming.

Look, bosses are only human. They have their biases, their flaws and their insecurities. Some bosses prefer to hire and promote pretty young things in skirts. Some bosses have hare-brained ideas that they will defend even in the face of all evidence to the contrary. Some bosses, plainly speaking, need to grow the hell up. But generally, even the most mature, understanding and enlightened boss will not take kindly to being ticked off in public for the world to see, especially when he has control over the employment status of the one doing the ticking off. What, you think that sounds unfair? Spoiler: No one claimed life was fair.

What she did wrong

Other than piss off someone who had the power to fire her?

Here goes - she added the wrong people to her Friends List. That was HR, for crying out loud. My ex-colleague complained bitterly that HR had backstabbed her in the entire debacle.

Wait, what?

As far as I'm concerned, HR did more or less what one should expect of HR. Between the company and you, whose side does one realistically expect HR to take? Here's a clue - not yours. Not unless it's a legal matter - in which case HR, while not on the company's side, is still not on your side. She's on her own side, in military lingo, covering her own ass. And if you believe otherwise, if you harbor any hope of surviving in the corporate world at all, you need to have that oh-so-endearing naivete slapped out of your head ASAP. You are a cog in a machine, no more. Does a mechanic concern himself with a cog, or the machine?

Repeat after me - HR is not your friend. In fact, this applies to your colleagues as well. They are not your friends. Sure, HR is supposed to be personable and friendly. HR is supposed to make you feel that you can confide your problems at work, in her. HR is supposed to act like she is your best buddy in the company. But if you believe her, how do I put this delicately - nah, screw it - you're a fucking idiot.

But HR is really my friend. We've known each other since kindergarten...

In that case, as a friend, you should jolly well not put HR in the position where she has to choose between friendship and professional duty. Rant on Facebook if you must, but filter her from the post. She can't possibly be expected to report what she doesn't see, right?

Didn't see
a thing!

My colleague put HR in a position where it was clear some action had to be taken. Sure, HR could have taken her aside and advised her to take the post down, without escalating it. But the only thing that is clear is that HR had to do something. It's unfortunate that the route most ruinous to my ex-colleague was taken, but here's the thing - what in the blue hell was HR doing on her Friends List anyway?

Honestly, had I been the CEO, I would have gotten rid of that ex-colleague too. Not because I can't man up and take criticism. But because anyone who is stupid enough to add HR to their Friends List and then bitch about the company on Facebook, can't be trusted to work for me. I mean, if you can't even exercise that little bit of common sense, what can you do?

Get fired up, but don't get fired.
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The Ratings Game

Out of all the job interviews I've ever been subjected to, one interviewing method stands out - the ratings method. Or, to be more specific, the rate-yourself method. That's where the interviewer names several skills - PHP, MySQL, project management, lightbulb screwing, yadda yadda - and the interviewee rates himself from 1 to 10, 10 being absolute guru, and 1 being clueless dolt.

My rating!

This is significant because I find this method of interviewing trite and meaningless, and I've often associated those words with the interviewing methods of non-technical people, such as HR. Unfortunately, this method of interviewing has been conducted by IT professionals. People who should know better.

Here's why I consider this method trite and meaningless.

You can't prove I'm lying!

At least during the interview, anyway. Let's say the interviewee rates himself an 9 out of 10 in C#. He could be lying through his teeth, but how do you prove that? Sure, you could ask him some pointed questions about C# to determine if he's as good as he says, but if you're going to do that anyway, why bother with the ratings? If those ratings are going to play any part in the hiring process, I'm not sure I want to be hired based on that.

Ratings are subjective

What's my 10, and what's your 10? When I asked that question, some interviewers have told me to just rate myself from my point of view. And that's exactly why it's meaningless. The interviewee doesn't even have to lie - he just has to be supremely confident (rightly or wrongly) that he's that good. I mean, some people think their database skills are hot shit just because they know how to join tables. They're not lying when they give themselves an 8 out of 10. They simply suck so much that they don't even know they suck. Classic Dunning-Kruger effect right there.

The goalposts keep moving

If you've spent any time in the web industry at all, you'll understand that things seldom stay still. Every facet of web development is changing, and changing fast. What you know today could be obsolete next week. My 10 now could be a very different 10 in a month's time. Let's say I think someone needs to be able to format text and change colors in CSS in order to get a 10 in CSS. (I don't actually suck that much. It's just an example.) After learning more about CSS and levelling up, I might discover CSS animations and realize that the bar is higher than I originally thought. In fact, the more a web developer learns, the lower he is going to (honestly) rate himself.

Final Thoughts

Is this ratings method going away anytime soon? Your guess is as good as mine. It certainly is a time-saver, if nothing else. Why bother having a long talk with the interviewee and assessing his strengths and weaknesses when you can just reduce it all to a number-guessing game?

Would you say this blogpost deserves an 8/10? 8.5, maybe?
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Ten Job Ad Descriptions to run away from, really fast

Every six months, I make it a point to survey the market and read job advertisements. Not because I want to leave my job, but because I want to keep my finger on the pulse of the web industry. However, due to being hellishly occupied with work and school, I shelved this for pretty much the whole of 2015.

When I finally got back to it recently, I was in for a rude shock. Appalled does not even begin to cover it. Was it me, or had the standards of job advertisements in the web industry fallen shockingly low since I last checked? That was when I started compiling this list of job ad sins. It was a bit of a struggle deciding on a title for this. "Ten ways to look like a complete amateur on a job ad"? "Ten ways to ensure no self-respecting web developer applies for your company, ever"?

No, I will, for the most part, not be including live examples. Because if I did, let me assure you that this list would not be stopping at ten. I will, however, do some paraphrasing.

1. Horrible grammar

This one's a bit of a no-brainer. The odd spelling error here and there is forgivable - actually, hell no it isn't. Not in light of the fact that there's spellcheck and all sorts of nifty tools available these days, and the fact that you're generally supposed to proofread your shit before making it live. That said, I'm prepared to overlook the odd spelling error or two. But when you add bad punctuation and inconsistent capitalization into the mix, I am not going to be regarding your job ad with anything other than derision.

Learn to spell, will ya?

I am a professional, and good golly, I expect - no, demand - a reasonable standard of English from my prospective employers. On the other hand, web developers whose first language isn't English should not mind too much - they probably won't even notice.

Come on. I know us web developers don't earn big money, but calling us "developoors" is a gross exaggeration.

MNC seeks an experienced web developoor.

More examples...

- applicants are expected to have proificiency in Java and Ruby.
- You will be working on our propreitory database management system.

The cruelest irony

- Should conversed well in English and Bahasa.

2. Glaring technical errors

The forward slash is meant to be used when certain things belong together, or are interchangeable.

An example would be

- HTML5/CSS3
- LESS/SASS
- MySQL/Sql Server/Oracle
- XML/JSON

But not this. I'm not sure any web developer wants to work for people who don't understand that Java and JavaScript don't belong together.

- Java/JavaScript
- SDLC/MVC

Odd one out.

And then you have this beauty...

- you should be well-versed in programming languages such as AJAX, ASP.NET, jQuery, MySQL, HTML, Python

Of the above, only one could be classified as a programming language. Don't laugh. It's on so many job ads, in varying permutations, that it stopped being funny a while back. Developers generally want to work for, or alongside people who know what they're doing.

Sure, perhaps a non-technical person such as HR wrote the job ad. Pray tell, what kind of company has so little common sense that it would allow a non-technical person to draft a technical job description?

3. Meaningless requirements

You get this in a huge number of job ads, and they all mean the same thing - absolute squat.

You should be:
- self-motivated
- self-starter
- creative, out-of-the-box thinker
- enthusiastic
- detail-oriented
- a great team player

These things are nigh impossible to prove. Everyone and his dog thinks he's creative and a self-starter. No web developer is going to tell you "I'm boring and unimaginative, and I need the occasional pep talk to keep me motivated".

An out-of-the-box developer?

How is a web developer supposed to prove enthusiasm? Have a GitHub account and contribute to the open source community? Well, then perhaps your job ad should have said this...

You should have a GitHub account which showcases your contributions to the open source community.

See? Say what you actually mean. Wasn't that easy? And way more meaningful than copying some clever-sounding buzzwords from everyone else's job ad?

4. Requirement creep

And sometimes, you get a job description like this. The requirements are so numerous, it makes one wonder how it is humanly possible for any one individual to have them all.

- Well-versed in CMSs such as WordPress and Drupal.
- Expertise in e-Commerce technologies.
- Comfortable with both Windows and Linux environment.
- Have previously participated in projects through at least two successful SDLCs.
- Extensive experience in database systems, preferably SQL Server.
- Mastery of Photoshop and other image-editing tools.
- Expertise in HTML and CSS, and CSS preprocessors like LESS and SASS.
- Must be well-versed in design and UI.
- Mastery of SEO and internet marketing.
- Proficiency in JavaScript and JavaScript libraries like jQuery and MooTools, as well as AngularJS, React and Meteor.
- Deep knowledge of C# is a must.
- Experience in other programming languages such as Java and Ruby.
- Have written apps for both iOS and Android.
- Should be able to deliver twice as fast as the average developer.
- Typing speed of at least 80 wpm.

We call this "requirement creep" because it probably started out as a small and reasonable list of technologies the new hire is supposed to be proficient in, and somewhere along the way, some bright spark remarked "it would be better for him to have deep knowledge as opposed to merely proficiency in C#" or "knowing AngularJS isn't enough - we do a bit of React too, and some Meteor", or even "it would be nice if he was a fast typer as well".

What else did you miss out? Should he fart unit tests and burp functioning code, too?

Santa's in town,
and he'll grant all
your wishes.

I get it - you want the best possible value for your money. So does everyone else. But bear in mind that such a talented individual will probably not be applying for a job - you'll have to poach him from somewhere else and extract him from his current employer's cold dead fingers. And that's if you could afford him.

5. Stupid descriptions

This one really makes me cringe.

Groovy, exciting startup looking for PHP Jedi whose Force is strong in the code.

Looking for a ninja?

Seriously, don't be an idiot. This goes double for job ads with descriptions like "Database Guru", "Digital Samurai", "Code Ninja", "Software Wizard", "Rockstar Programmer", "Superstar Developer" and so on. The web development industry already seems to have problems being taken seriously - people seem to think all we do is make websites. And buddy, you're not helping.

If this is an attempt to appear witty, stop trying so hard. Because it's producing the opposite effect.

6. Too many words

Being grammatically and technically correct won't save you if you don't know when to stop writing your description. Some descriptions are so convoluted with overly long words that by the time the developer's finished reading it all, he's lost the sense of what the ad was trying to say.

Wall of Text effect.

Take this for example

You will be expected to gather clients' requirements through regular meetings and collate them into system specifications for your fellow developers and document these requirements using accepted conventions to illustrate data flow and entity relationships. Upon which you will implement these requirements in proper object-oriented design following industry-accepted best practices and...

Oh snap, where was I? I probably nodded off after the second sentence. Couldn't all that have been adequately condensed into this?

Must be familiar with the Software Development Life Cycle.

Everybody wants to sound like they know stuff, and that unfortunately tends to translate to using ten sentences when you only need ten words. Well, here's something else for you to know - keep it short, and cut the crap.

7. Obsession with years of experience

I understand that in many industries, years of experience is a relevant metric. But where web development - indeed, any kind of software development - is concerned, all bets are off. Web development is such a wide and varied field that no two web developers are likely to have the exact same skillset or progression. Unlike, say, bricklaying. It would be a safe bet to say that a bricklayer with 10 years' experience would have developed muscles pertinent to mixing cement and laying bricks.

EDITOR'S NOTE: If you are a bricklayer and feel that your job scope is way more complex than just mixing cement and laying bricks, please accept my humble apologies.

But for something like this...

- must have 5+ years' experience in software development, at least 2 in mobile environment

It takes someone of average intelligence to learn the basics of software development anywhere between 6 months to a year, perhaps less for those among us who are more gifted. Beyond that, a developer could spend the next few years just reusing those basics and getting better at them, or branching out into other aspects of software development - different technologies, different methodologies, and so on. Just what is having "5+ years' experience in software development" supposed to prove?

Think this guy has
enough experience?

This next one takes that obsession to a new extreme.

- 7 years experience in Java.
- 4 years of experience in Windows server environment.
- 5 years or more in Social Media technologies.
- At least 3 years using C++
- 2 years or more in HTML/CSS/JavaScript
- 2 years or more in...

Or for the utterly ridiculous

- 5 years or more in HTML5.

HTML5's specification was stable in 2014. It first became a thing back in 2008. It is now 2016. In order for the applicant to have 5 years' experience in HTML5, he would have to be one of the founding members of the HTML5 specification. Let's say I cut the job ad some slack and assume the poster meant HTML instead of HTML5. This is HTML, dude. A school kid could learn HTML in a few weeks. Exactly what is an individual with 5 years' experience in HTML supposed to do for you? Do nothing but write EDMs? Write a book on the history of Netscape, maybe?

HR needs to stop trying to apply general rule-of-thumb to web development. It doesn't work.

8. Needing that degree

Many job ads seem more interested in the web developer's academic qualifications rather than his ability.

- Candidate should possess a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science, Information Technology or any other related discipline.

Having one degree and three diplomas, I probably should be the last to complain about this. But the fact is that this betrays a lack of understanding as to how web development works. A vast percentage of the web is created by self-taught developers with little to no formal computer science education. Why's that? Because you don't need a goddamn Computer Science degree to do web development. There's plenty of learning material on (gasp!) the web.

Degrees FTW!

A formal Computer Science degree simply gives a better idea of what the developer should have learned in school, but even that is a poor gauge for what skills he has kept current. I remember learning data structures and memory management and Boolean Algebra when I was a teenager, mugging for exams. How much of it have I actively used in web development? Pitifully little. Academic qualifications mean very little, especially if said qualifications were earned ten years ago and you're in a field that evolves every couple years.

9. Laundry list

I wrote about this back in February in response to something the managing director of Fixx Digital said, but it bears repeating.

Some job ads have a very specific list of skills they want their web developer to have. Way too specific.

- proficient in PHP 5.5 and above.
- knowledge of CodeIgniter.
- familiar with MySQL version 6.0 onwards.

I get it. I do! You want someone to fit into that pigeonhole, someone you don't have to spend time training, who may just up and leave anyway. I've said it before and I'll say it again - this is terribly shortsighted. You're missing out on potentially great hires as opposed to people who simply happen to have that specific skillset.

Check those boxes!

Try this instead.

- proficient in PHP, preferably version 5.5 and above.
- knowledge of MVC frameworks such as CodeIgniter.
- familiar with SQL databases such as MySQL.

See what I did there? The general skill was listed there, followed by a preference or example. This means that candidates applying for the job will at least have the foundation rather than the specific skillset. And if they don't know the specific technology, they can always learn. They have the foundation, don't they?

If you're not willing to invest in people, why should people invest the best years of their youth in your company?

10. Outright douchebaggery

I don't actually want to flog that dead horse and bring to life the specter of Sugar Technologies' disastrous job ad back in 2014, but this serves as a great example of what to write if you want to piss developers off.

Watch the attitude.

Who We Want:

• You are ambitious, intense and entrepreneurial, and you dream of doing truly epic shit with your life. You recoil at the thought of having 1.15 kids, balloting for a flat, saving up for a Toyota and waiting to withdraw your CPF savings at 65 (or 70, or 80, or 120).

Who We Don't Want:

• You are a shallow social climber whose dream is to work for Goldman Sachs because it "looks good on your CV". You went to an Ivy League university because it would "look good on your CV". But you couldn't get into Goldman Sachs (or Citibank, or HSBC) because you actually have no passion for finance, just like how you want to buy that Louis Vuitton bag (because it will "look good on your social CV") despite having no passion for design and craftsmanship. Guess what? If you were rejected by Goldman Sachs, you will be rejected by us too. For exactly the same reasons. Advice: try applying for a government job.
• You are a social misfit. You like technology only because you can't relate to real people. You spend your weekends playing DOTA and in your sleep you dream about your hero reaching Level 38. At school, you were always the last to get picked on any project or sports team. Having a conversation with you is about as interesting as watching paint dry. Advice: go seek help from a mental health professional.

A certain amount of arrogance is healthy. But if you're going to act like people should be grateful to be working for you, you'd better be more than just another start-up out of millions in sunny Singapore. And yes, almost all start-ups will claim they are that special. Let's just see who's left standing after the next few years, shall we?

At the end of the day...

Your company's job ad affects the kind of applicants you get, which in turn affects the kind of employees you eventually get. Many job ads I see could be worded a little more carefully and some of them just need to be killed with fire.

Web developer looking for a halfway decent job ad,
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