The Sacred and Mysterious Art of GAF

It was perhaps three years ago, in some thread in Facebook, that a friend said to me.

"Dude, you act like you DGAF."

For the sweet-natured prudes who don't know what that acronym means, it's short for Don't Give A Fuck. Which is also modern-speak to say that I don't care about anything.

Before I proceed further, this blogpost centers around the acronym DGAF, so the word "fuck" is going to appear an awful lot. I've been trying to ease off the profanity for a while now, but this piece is going to be balls deep in it. Consider yourselves warned!

So, about "DGAF"...

Now, my friend telling me that I act like I DGAF gave me pause, though at the time I couldn't figure out exactly why it bothered me. In fact, were I still in my twenties, that would have been considered a compliment, because back then, that was the image I worked hard to cultivate. You know the drill: I'm hard, I'm tough, I don't care, I DGAF.

The DGAF look.

My hair was long and all over the place, my clothes a hobo would have been proud of. I dressed like I had nothing to prove... out of sheer arrogance. It was nothing short of a statement of contempt. It was my way of saying to anyone who might be silently judging me - sure, your hair's better than mine. A haircut would take all of twenty minutes, but how long would you have to take to achieve what I'm achieved?

And that was stupid. I was trying too hard to look like I DGAF, when the fact that I was trying at all actually meant I did GAF. What made it doubly stupid was that I hadn't actually achieved anything at that point outside of graduating from University, which basically amounts to jackshit in the software industry.

Twenty years on, though, I'm no longer that guy. I no longer take pride not appearing to give any fucks. I no longer think it's cool, and sometimes I wonder why I ever did. But in the cold light of honest introspection, here's why: I didn't want to appear weak. Giving fucks about things opened up chinks in my emotional armor for people to exploit. I liked being the guy that no one could rattle. I absolutely loved watching people try their darnedest to get a rise out of me and visibly struggling to find ammunition that would hurt me... and inevitably failing.

But in recent years, these little pleasures are fast fading.

Not giving any fucks is pathetically easy if you think about it. Children are notoriously self-centered. They have to grow into understanding that the world doesn't revolve around them. Babies are capable of giving zero fucks. These clamorous little shits don't care about anything other than getting fed and having their diapers changed.

But here's the thing about being an adult - at some point, you have to give some fucks. Just going around and declaring "I DGAF" like some defiant teenager is not only lame, it's self-defeating. Because a defining characteristic of adulthood is the ability to assume responsibility.

Why should we GAF?

Simple answer: because we're brought into this world to interact with it.

We don't have to be a world-changer, but we should, at the very least, be willing to shape our environment in tiny ways, and in turn be shaped by it. It gives life meaning beyond eat, sleep, shit, rinse and repeat until death. If you give totally no fucks about anything or anyone but yourself, you might as well not exist.

For example, when I get into a codebase, I may have to modify and update code, perhaps add new features. If the code is written in a way I consider sub-optimal, I can improve it. If the code is written in a way I recognize as superior to my style, I can learn from it. As a dev alone, my style has plainly evolved over the years because I allowed it to be shaped by the code of other developers. I certainly didn't go, I DGAF what style the others prefer, I'm sticking to mine.

Professionally, I give plenty of fucks. That's only right and natural, because that's what keeps food on the table and the bills paid. And considering how monumentally mediocre I am, the only thing keeping me relevant in the industry is the massive amount of fucks I'm giving.

Putting on my
"I GAF" look.

In fact, years back, instead of acting like I DGAF, I started going the other way. I began to practice acting like I GAF even when I actually don't. Maybe if I fake it long enough, it will eventually come true.

But...!

That said, it's important not to go to extremes. Giving too many fucks is arguably worse than not giving any. You have to be selective about the fucks you give. Some things are worth giving a fuck about. Some things aren't. And as individuals, we should all be able to determine what those things are.

Some things are obviously beneath me. For instance, having the last word in an online argument, responding to every perceived slight and petty revenge. I'm not a vengeful person not because I'm morally superior, but because I'm pragmatic to a fault. I have to judiciously decide what is worthy of my time and attention. And some things just don't offer enough value. There are a thousand and one things screaming for my fucks every given moment, and as such I can't be wasting them on every attention-seeking child online. Or offline, for that matter.

However, back last year, I had the dubious pleasure of working under an asshole CTO who kept making disparaging (though perhaps deserved) remarks about my competency. I let a lot of it slide, even though some of it was really childish; because as mentioned earlier, I don't have the need to respond to every slight, imagined or otherwise. But then he made the mistake of calling my professional integrity into question. Sometimes, there is a line that you should not allow anyone to cross without exacting a price. Professionally, there are some things I will not stand for. In fact, unless you have no integrity to speak of, nobody should stand for this.

I advised him to stop yelling, and that if there was indeed evidence of improper conduct, it was grounds for immediate dismissal. Noisy bitch backed down like a good boy.

Yep, I gave selective fucks. Go, me.

Context is also important. Sure, there are some opinions that matter, such as those of your colleagues and employers regarding the quality of your work. Or the opinions of subject matter experts on the subjects that interest you. But what's relevant is also the source of those opinions. For example, if you're not in the software industry and have never had any experience in said industry, I couldn't be less interested in any career advice you thought you could give me. Ditto for forty-year old virgins who want to give me marriage advice. Or senior citizens who think their experience in the 60s and 70s somehow qualifies them to lecture me on how to live my life in the 2000s.

Fuck that noise.

Some things are noise. Some advice is just so much hot air from people who have never mastered the art of understanding exactly who the fuck it is their ignorant selves are trying to educate. Learn to tell the difference.

Of course you can give fucks. Just don't give indiscriminate fucks.

In summary...

Give a fuck about things that ought to matter. Try to keep that list short.

I like to joke that I'm incapable of giving any fucks because Mrs TeochewThunder took them all. But that's all it is, a joke. Not giving a fuck is cool... if you're young and stupid. I'm no longer young, and I'll be damned if I stay stupid.

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