What we think we deserve, does not matter

There is one word that has been bothering me in recent years. It is the word "deserve". It is usually used in the context of what people should have, as opposed to what they do have.

And that is problematic.

What people think they deserve, varies from person to person. Do you think you deserve to be paid more than you are currently? Perhaps, but your employer is almost certainly going to disagree. Who's right? Who has the authority to decide? Is there an objective measure to determine exactly what each person deserves?

Short answer: no, there isn't. The world is not fair, nor was it ever supposed to be. Put on your big boy pants and deal with it.

You may be legally entitled to something. That's an entirely different kettle of fish from saying you deserve something. Saying "x deserves y" carries connotations of morality, and as we all know, morality is subjective. Whose moral scale do we use? Mine? Yours? The Dalai Lama's? The Pope's? We have to define those things before any of these "deserving" statements would even begin to make sense.

Who decides what
you deserve?

So, who gets to judge?

Examples

Another problem I have with the word "deserve" being used, is that there's almost always an element of emotionality involved.

"I deserve better because I'm a good person."

This is a useless statement. What's "better"? What's "good"? None of these are measurable. And thus, no steps are actionable.

I've been good.

Also, what does being "good" have anything to do with deserving something? Saying you deserve something implies that it should be handed to you without any action on your part. And that is a denial of reality.

"Tell me why you deserve to get paid this much."

This question sometimes appears during job interviews, and has the effect of making me eye-roll really hard.

Oh FFS. If you just want me to sell myself to you, just come right out and say it. Fact is, no one "deserves" a high salary, and to claim otherwise is ridiculous. How much employers pay me is pretty much dependent on what they can afford to pay, what they are willing to pay and (let's just be real here) what they can get away with without getting in trouble with the law. The rest is just fluff.

"You deserve to be loved for who you are."

Self-proclaimed life coaches and their ilk seem to use this constantly. It's a mollycoddling refrain that says it doesn't matter how flawed your character is, you deserve to be loved like everyone else. Nobody died and made me God, so I'm not going to judge that statement. But I am absolutely going to judge the fuck out of what that statement implies.

This statement, intentionally or otherwise, implies that you are perfectly flawed just like everyone else, and discourages people from working on themselves. Why would they? If I decide that I am the way I am and anyone who chooses me is just going to have to live with it, what's there to work on? Sure, I still deserve to be loved... but this severely limits my options. That is the reality.

"People deserve to live, too."

This is usually some self-righteous rubbish from people who need some kind of external validation from the people listening to them. I really don't have time for that.

I usually hear this in the context of the ongoing Russia-Ukraine war, and that level of moral posturing is nauseating. Should people have to suffer the hardship of war? No one is arguing that they should. It is, however, an unfortunate fact that there is a war going on at this moment and that statistically, there are casualties in war. Saying that "people deserve to live, too" is useless self-serving rhetoric that does nothing for anyone. Like, does anyone on this planet not understand that people deserve to live? How is this helpful?

Actions instead of words

Life is not about what you deserve and don't deserve. It's about what you can and can't get. Anyone who tells you different, is probably trying to sell you something.

What people eventually get, tends to be a function of what they can get as opposed to what they deserve. Focusing on what is possible is more productive than focusing on what is desired.

Foreign software developers
in Singapore.

Are you in an environment where your desired outcomes aren't possible? Go elsewhere. Why else do you think foreign software developers ply their trade in Singapore? Because they love being shit on by locals?

Is there a surfeit of people who would love what you are? Look in the proverbial mirror and try to work your issues out. The onus is on you.

Do your skills have market value? If not, get new skills. For example, I could be a QBasic guru, but if there's a limited market for antiquated programming language, I'm not going to get very far. It is what it is.

Concerned about war? Maybe send some money to Ukraine (or Russia, if that's how you wanna roll) and spend less time grandstanding on Social Media. The money is infinitely more practical than your thoughts and prayers.

Last words and just desserts

The question is not "do I deserve this?"; rather, the question should be "can I get this, and how?" Once we fix that first step, the rest naturally falls into place.

Deservedly,
T___T