It's Not Personal

Employers reprimanding employees is nothing new. In my long and storied career, I've encountered quite a few instances. Some of them were incidental - I merely happened to be there while an unfortunate employee was receiving it, and some of them were even directed at me. Hey, it happens. You screw up, you get chewed out (or get fired), hopefully you learn something, life goes on.

Chewed out.

My accumulated experience in the software industry has not stopped me from screwing up (though hopefully, my mistakes are less amateurish than they used to be) and consequently, getting put on blast. However, I have noticed a certain trend. Some employers, younger ones in particular, seem to feel the need to preface their criticism with something positive, like some kind of compliment sandwich.

"I want to assure you that this is not personal."

"First of all, the work you've put into this is undeniable."

"I'm not trying to make things difficult for you, but..."

What's going on?

Why do some employers feel this need to soften the blow with something? Are they maybe afraid of (gasp!) hurting the feelings of those they are criticizing?

In particular, I really don't know what is it with this hurry to reassure me that it's "not personal". Why would this be personal? Are these employers laboring under the delusion that people work for them because they like them? I'm sorry to be the one to burst that bubble, but people work for you because the work is tolerable (and in some cases, even enjoyable), they're at least adequate at the task, and they get paid enough to justify spending their time at it. And in the case of some younger employees, because the company's goals align with theirs or some rubbish principle like that. No one has any personal feelings towards you or your company, so that bit about your criticism being "not personal" is superfluous. And a little insulting.

Stop treating me
like a kid.

You know what some of my employers say when they want to criticize my work?

"Yo man, this is half-fucked work. I can't accept this."

"You used a nested For to do this? That's sloppy!"

"Wow, watching you struggle at this is painful."

Now that is treating me like an adult professional. That is not treating me like some fragile child who needs that emotional cushion.

That's not to say employers should verbally abuse their employees, but come on, let's not swing too far in the opposite direction. If criticism is called for, let's hear it and get to the point. You should not need to say "it's not personal" because that goes without saying. And if your criticism does spring from some personal place (and yes, I've encountered those too), then "it's not personal" is a lie and you're fooling no one. Either way, get rid of it.

My first day in the military

Singapore has a law of military conscription. Rewind back a couple decades and it was my first day in Boot Camp, y'know, having been born with a penis and all. I had heard horror stories about how tough, how inhumane army life was, and I was steeling myself for the inevitable shock.

And I was shocked. Just not for the reasons I imagined. Sure, we got yelled at. We got hectored. Hazed. Verbally eviscerated. And you know what most of us were thinking while it happened?

"Bitch, please. You think you're scary? I have an Asian mom!"

This is scary.

I'm not sure, dear reader, how it was during your generation. But in my time, Asian parents were constantly critical, had unrealistic expectations and consequently, were always disappointed. Avoiding their wrath was considered a win, nevermind actually obtaining their approval. So when it came to verbal abuse, military life really wasn't anything to write home about.

Not that it stopped us from making up horror stories just to impress the ladies and the gullible youths, eh?

My point is, it's possible that all that conditioning we were put through, may have contributed to how we receive criticism in the workplace today.

One last (personal) note!

I'm not saying to grow a thicker skin. Sometimes employers do go too far, and their (supposedly) constructive criticism gets distinctively personal despite their reassurances that it's not.

But it's up to you how personally you want to take it. They should not be the ones telling you that it's not personal. We are the ones who should be reminding ourselves. Emotional detachment - it's severely underrated.

Yes, this is not personal.
T___T