If you're a developer, or even just a tech hobbyist or IT student, you've probably dabbled in quite a few languages. Ever notice just how human some of these languages seem? By "human", I don't mean "natural language", though that certainly helps. No, I mean, some of these languages may exhibit characteristics that look suspiciously similar to those of your friends, or just people you know.
Let's go through a list of some of the languages I've used...
Editor's Note: This list is not limited to just
programming languages. Any tech language is fair game.
1. COBOL
COBOL is the crotchety old ex-military woman who has coffee with you every morning and yammers on incessantly about her bratty grandchildren. It's been half a century since she first started working, but she's a tough old coot and refuses to retire.
 |
| COBOL is an old, intimidating lady. |
IDENTIFICATION DIVISION.
PROGRAM-ID. HELLO-WORLD.
PROCEDURE DIVISION.
DISPLAY "Hello world!".
STOP RUN.
She's fairly cantankerous and not very sociable, and if you don't know her well, she can seem very intimidating. She rarely speaks in a whisper - every sentence is loud and abrupt. She's also unabashedly old-school, and to hell with you if you have a problem with that. (And yes, I think of COBOL as a female entirely because of
Grace Hopper).
Treat COBOL with respect. She's been around a long time and may even be around long after you're gone. A lot more people would miss COBOL than they would miss you. She's
that important. She shouldn't be, but she is.
2. Java
Java is a classy businesswoman. She's so classy she has her own garbage collector. Unfortunately, she's also a bit of a snob and tends to objectify everything. She's also very opinionated and has very fixed ideas as to the correct way of doing things. She absolutely refuses to communicate any other way. She hates comparisons with that tramp JavaScript (see further down the list). Java also thinks of herself as edgy, but she really gets off on popularity just like JavaScript - she's just a lot more coy about it.
 |
Java's a bit of a
pretentious snob. |
public class HelloWorld
{
public static void main(String[] args)
{
System.out.println("Hello, World");
}
}
Keep Java around. She can be useful when you're trying to reach a wider audience because of her popularity - and, her reputation for being proper and "classy" will give you some cred - though her penchant for doing things the long and pedantic way is a pain in the ass for times you need to keep it simple. Java doesn't do simple. She is something of a pontificator - she never uses a simple one-liner when she can use
five lines to bring her point across. Perhaps she thinks this makes her look intelligent, though sadly, she just comes across as really insecure.
3. SQL
You know the library nerd who has read a lot of stuff and is just bursting to share it with you? SQL is that guy. Or "Sequel", as he likes to be called, because it sounds cool.
 |
| SQL reads a lot. |
SELECT "Hello World!";
SQL is a wealth of knowledge - there's rarely anything he hasn't read about. Problem is, he can be a
major windbag. He gets carried away. If you make the fatal mistake of asking him for everything he knows about stuff, you could be there all night because the dude just doesn't know when to stop talking unless he runs out of information. Sometimes the key to getting along with SQL is to filter. The more specific the filter, the better.
4. PHP
PHP is the blue-collar workman who wanders around in battered workboots and stained jeans. He's comfortable to hang out with, but he gets judged hard by fashion snobs and anyone who associates with him gets judged as well. In recent times, he's attempted to spruce up his image by learning new things and wearing new clothes, but they always seem a little ill-fitting on him. Clothes maketh the man, but in his case, everybody can see that beneath all that jazz, he's ultimately the same guy. Props for effort, though!
 |
| PHP is a handyman. |
echo "Hello World!";
The problem is, PHP was basically an odd-job guy until people started calling on him to do
everything. At some point, he got overworked and stopped being able to keep up.
PHP is still a good guy to hang with, but you may outgrow him at some point.
5. BASIC
BASIC is a few years younger than COBOL, but opted to retire much earlier. He's an elderly gent who likes to keep things simple yet flexible. You may remember playing very rudimentary computer games (like chess) with him back in the day.
 |
| BASIC is a retiree. |
PRINT "Hello World!"
The guy's always glad to see you, and he's still great for teaching kids how to code. Keep him around for nostalgia, if nothing else.
6. Ruby
A young spirited lass who's low-key yet effective. Ruby doesn't call attention to herself or put on airs. Basically, Ruby is a great communicator. Unlike Java or C++, who are just wordy, Ruby is friendly and easygoing and tries hard to use common sense to interpret you so you don't have to jump through hoops to be really explicit with her. This sometimes takes her a while, but the effort doesn't go unnoticed. She's probably the easiest person to get along with, and doesn't judge you.
 |
Ruby's your best friend.
She understands you. |
puts "Hello World!"
Everyone needs a friend like Ruby. Content not to hog all your attention and hum along amicably in the background, she's useful in a pinch for undertakings both big and small.
7. HTML / CSS
HTML used to be the fun single guy you could hang out with all night. He was the guy who introduced you to the Internet and all its wonders, your constant companion as you roamed the information highway.
 |
HTML and CSS are a
lovely chic couple. |
<h1>Hello World!</h1>
However, ever since he got hitched with CSS, it's exceedingly rare to see them without each other. CSS dresses HTML up nicely - he was frankly a little plain and shabby before she came along - but he's the one who gives her existence meaning. Without HTML,
there is no CSS. They're a lovely couple nonetheless.
8. Markdown
HTML has a much younger and poorer cousin. His name is Markdown. He does a lot of the same things as HTML back in the day, but in an even less verbose way.
 |
Markdown is HTML's
younger poorer cousin. |
# Hello World!
When you need to do documentation, that's when Markdown really shines. Some see him as HTML-lite, which isn't too far from the truth... but when you need a fast and friendly way of rendering a webpage without too many bells and whistles or just a way to slightly spruce up an otherwise boring text file, Markdown is your guy. He's a simple fellow, but in his limited scope, he gets shit done just fine.
9. JavaScript
What can we say about JavaScript, or JS, as we like to call her? She's a bit of a good-time girl. She's sexy, playful (or "promiscuous" as
this guy would say) and isn't choosy about who she hangs with, and she's
really casual. You don't have to slowly tease or romance her to make her give up the goods. Treat her as shabbily as you want. She likes it!
 |
| JS is an easy girl. |
alert("Hello World!");
In her early days, she used to only engage in hot threesomes with HTML and CSS. But she's moved on to greater things now. These days, she's everywhere. She can add color and flash to your shopfront, or she could be the hardworking engine at the back making things work.
At the heart of it all, JS is one hell of a capable woman who can get serious and professional with you, yet cut loose like a wild thing in a different setting. Just don't give her your heart. She'll break it, though she never breaks her promises. (heh heh)
10. C++
C++ is that senior marathoner whom you need to be very explicit with. He's capable of doing some truly awesome stuff, but communicating with him can get a bit hairy at times. He runs fast - astonishingly fast - and when you need
real power, C++ is who you call. Despite his advanced age, this guy is speedy and robust.
 |
| C++ runs fast, even at his age. |
#include <iostream>
int main()
{
std::cout << "Hello, World!";
return 0;
}
C++ has few social skills to speak of and is only popular with the really brilliant guys. He has a reputation for being just as wordy as Java. The only difference is that C++, due to having a really specialized job,
actually needs to be verbose. C++ rarely run the simple races - that's for lesser mortals like PHP and Ruby.
Disclaimer
Any of these descriptions remind you of people you actually know? That's just a coincidence. But that really hammers home the point, doesn't it; tech languages have very human characteristics, probably as a result of having been written by
actual humans and worked on by a huge number of other humans.
std::cout << "Bye, Reader!";
T___T
